Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Probing Question

Are you a woman into prostate massage? Milk this...

I am looking for a talented woman that knows what she is doing. What you see is what you get. Thanks Michael

There's something completely wrong with this picture. Can you spot it?

A single guy who actually placed a full roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper dispenser? Hahahaha!! Thanks again Photoshop!

Maybe next time, you can use Photoshop to create the illusion of yourself cleaning up the piss you sprayed all over the toilet seat like you had been urinating drunk during an earthquake while being attacked by a ferocious bear.

Anyway, meet Michael. Michael's been a little lonely lately, and he decided he would like to meet the girl of his dreams. A nimble young blonde, perhaps, her hair smelling of loganberries and dolphin snout extract. A good cook, a tremendous lover, and an intellectual stalwart. "How," Michael asked himself, "do I attract such a woman?"

Easy to do Michael! First, put on a cheap brown golf shirt. Then take off your pants, go into the bathroom and throw some garbage and a plunger on the floor. Lift the toilet seat, sit down, and masturbate furiously. Once you're hard, snap a photo. Then write some romantic copy like "Milk this....." and "Thanks."

Think you got every woman's loins quivering like an epileptic seahorse now?

Not quite.

But I want to enroll in your sailing class, because every woman that read this ad just tied their fallopian tubes into triple-shank sheep knots that could hold a fucking cruise ship to a dock in Hurricane Ike.


manhater said...


OMG, that was awesome.

Did he seriously photoshop in the toilet paper? AHHAHAHAHHAH.

I think this one is Classic great job wease.

Ohio said...

Why do men insist on taking pictures of their willies? They look goofy (at best), especially when accompanied by a horrible personal ad.

Anonymous said...

ROTFL, excellent post Weasel!!

The visuals emoted from your prose are quite... visual. Thank you!!!!

Nosnikta said...

I think it makes THEM so hot to be wagging a boner around that they believe it makes everyone else hot too.

Ya know... When I was but a wee child, I walked in on my Dad when he was on the pot (not like this guy, but actually pinching a loaf). That was a truly disturbing vision that is ingraved in my brain forever.

Then I met JB and I swear, the man was afraid to let me know that he went poop. For the first six years of our marriage I NEVER saw him "sitting". Finally I convinced him that everybody poops and it's OK to poop at home lolol. Guys are so weird.

Ok, back to my point.


It's either scary or funny to me. It leaves them extremely vulnerable (which is kinda fun) but absolutely NOT sexy.

Fleeting said...

Another FHOTD reader here. Love your blog and have read it all!

I can't even begin to conceive how, if this abomination of an ad attracted me due to some bizarre toilet fetish, I would give someone a prostate massage? Given it's an internal organ, it would probably be thoroughly uncomfortable for him... should I ask him to turn and cough?

Personally, I don't get the whole "whip the cock out for the personal ad" phenomenon either. On the level of attractiveness, I'd rank them only slightly higher than an angry vole with mange. Yes, it's important that you HAVE one, and it's important that it does not carry around that last present from your ex, but apart from that I DON'T CARE. Even if I was into random sex (and couldn't I get that from a bar instead of a horrible personal ad? At least then I would have some clue about personal hygiene before I got to his place) the cock shot doesn't matter. I'm sure you could find some 16 year olds with nicer cocks.... that doesn't mean they're any good.

How do men not understand we are not men?? We get that all you want to see is boobs and pussy!! I don't want to see you naked before I have time to mentally prepare myself for the horror!

Spotted_T_Apps said...

As if the cock shots aren't bad enough, let's do one on the toilet looking like we're taking a shit, why don't we? GAG!

Operant_Conditioning said...

"hair smelling of loganberries and dolphin snout extract"
It's actually funny that you mention 'dolphin snout' because as a person who has worked around dolphins and knows people that work with dolphins, being sneezed or coughed (for dolphins it's both the same thing, the blowhole is the only airway) on by a dolphin is somehow extremely good for your hair, gives it alot of body, although that would infact be dolphin 'snot' instead of 'snout.'
Love the blog, by the way!

ella said...

Also, there's nothing attractive about man thighs. gross.

Jewil said...

I want to know who took the picture! He is holding himself so who took the shot. Unless it was a self timer deal.

Brianna said...

-----I want to know who took the picture! He is holding himself so who took the shot. Unless it was a self timer deal.--------

Oh, my god I did not even think of that. Can you imagine?


Nepthis said...

My goodness, Weasel. Your sense of humor has me rolling on the ground. This blog is fabulous and I am now an official stalker.
I knew there were stupid men out there, but... Well... I guess I never realized just how many. And how many were willing to post it ALL OVER the internet. Fabulous.
Show me more.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

On the toilet? Really? REALLY? HUUUUAHHHH!! ::pukes on the floor:: Effin pig.

Ferret Fan said...

Seriously, does that idiot think some chick is going to grab onto his pole like a hungry beaver confronted by the oak tree of her dreams? Just what is the appeal?

If you want to impress me with a picture of your dick you better show it being able to work the on/off switch of a vaccuum cleaner, right before you clean my whole house in the nude, while reciting to me love sonnets laced with how thin and beautiful I am. Convincing lying is a necessary skill clearly under appreciated by the females of the species.

I don't want to see some guy's nutsack and vein riddled skin tree. I want to see his financial statement to prove he has a job, his title to his own house, one which doesn't have an apartment for his parents, and the fact he knows how to put the seat down on the toliet. I can buy a dick, or any size and color I want. What I have to search for is a man with a brain!

water_bearer said...

FYI, no pictures should EVER be taken in a bathroom. It's not hot. I'm talking to you, MySpace ho, with the cute smile and the "Wednesday" underwear, oblivious to the fact that in your self portrait shot we can see the deuce you just dropped in the toilet behind you.
And cock shots aren't much better. I don't care if it is gorgeous, see the earlier post about passing around a cheese platter. I've known hot guys with ugly, crooked, skinny cocks, and vice versa. Well, on the last one, only in porn because I don't think I've ever gotten close to an ugly, crooked, skinny guy's cock. But that's neither here nor there! Show us your face, or a picture of stupid fucking kittens. Showing us only your cock will not make us run to the bathroom to snap a quick pic of our beaver just so we can excitedly include it in our reply to your ad. Good god.

CutNJump said...

hair smelling of loganberries and dolphin snout extract...

Honestly? I thought you were going to go with hair smelling like dingleberries. Like the ones the woman unfortunate enough to get close to this prick, might end up with in her hair- should she get close enough to him to manage that. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

A pic on the throne? WHo would have ever thought to use one like that for any kind of ad- let alone a personal ad! One where you might actually get a response and maybe, just maybe, down the line a ways... get laid? Brilliant!

What a dick!

Speaking of dicks... Picturing yours is like a picture of a bathroom in a home listing. I just need to know you have one, I do not need to see it to know it exists.

anniebanannie said...

Blogger Fleeting said...

I can't even begin to conceive...

No, none of us want to anymore... I don't even want to practice conceiving.

Walk On said...

Blame the cock shots on the porno movies. You see, in porno, if a guys announces or otherwise proves he has a hard on, hot chicks come running from all directions to beg for it.

I believe that men start believing this dreamworld eventually. I think they actually believe that a picture of a hard on will have us all panting for them.


Pictures involving sitting on a toilet? Not even Brad Pitt or George Clooney could make that kind of scene look hot. Average Joe, you can forget it.

anniebanannie said...

I really want to respond to these ads and here is what it would say:


Do I need more exclamation marks?

SweetPea said...

Well... on a positive note... at least the seat is down LOL

Mzfilly said...

Good Lord---I cannot even go to my OWN bathroom at this point.


There is NOTHING appealing about that photo. He would have been better off going with the humping of the hotel mattress shot...

Indra said...

Guys don't get that we aren't as visually simulated, and pictures of them sitting on a toilet with an erection, does NOT attract us.
They have to get over their penis's, they don't make us quiver with anticipation whenever we see on, especially those of men we don't know, probably with to many std's to count. ugh, VERY unattractive picture if I do say so myself.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>FYI, no pictures should EVER be taken in a bathroom. It's not hot. I'm talking to you, MySpace ho, with the cute smile and the "Wednesday" underwear, oblivious to the fact that in your self portrait shot we can see the deuce you just dropped in the toilet behind you.<<

EXACTLY. I don't know who these people are who somehow think the toilet is sexy but that's not how the rest of us think! Gross!

P.S. You know where you can find a good prostate massage? In the M4M section of Craigslist!

SweetPea said...

Fugly... I don't EVEN want to know how you know that little tidbit of info LMAO

CutNJump said...

Sweetpea- everyone knows a prostrate exam involves bending over a table and the doc wearing a rubber glove.

Sorta like turn your head and cough... only a bit more invasive.

Karmyn said...

I just spent a week without electricity and water because of Hurricane Ike and that pic is more disturbing than my bathroom where the toliet hadn't been properly flushed in a week.

Merridyn said...

I, too, do not get the whole "you'll pick me because of my cock shot" phenomenon. Thank god I've never held any intentions of conceiving... eeeeeeeeew! Can anyone think of a way to get the message out that women DO NOT CARE to see it in agonizing detail. All I would ever want to know is that it exists and doesn't come with any little friends. Anyone remember the first post from some guy looking for someone with huge boobs? Why can't they figure out that their dick does not have the same effect on women as boobs have on them! Ack.
Then there's the toilet bit.... he just doesn't get it. You would think that since guys are so visual, they would get it that choosing the toilet for the picture is NOT appealing. Does it occur to him that whatever woman is enough of a fucktard to take him (and we all KNOW she's out there) will picture the godsbedamned toilet whenever they go at it? ew.

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