Monday, September 29, 2008

Gland Camp

nudist seeking nudist

hi! do you want to explore the nudist community? i am 46 years old who enjoys living every day life in the nude seeking the same in a woman. i have gone thorugh a separation wwith my wife, but i have a cabin in a private nudist colony in eastern XXXXXXX county for the next week. i am seeking a woman to come enjoy, there are plenty activities from horses to nature walks to volleyball to parties on fri&sat. this is not about sexual nature, it is about being free and confident!how about you come join me race and size doesnt matter! brandon

One good thing about dating a nudist is you won't have to spend an eternity trying to figure out what to wear. Apparently the latest in stylish burglary gloves will do, and a helmet to make sure none of that nasty head hair gets mixed in with the abundant pubic hairs coating your soup.

There's really nothing wrong with nudity or this ad in general, it just seems spending a week at a nudist camp on a first date might rub most women the wrong way, just as I imagine riding a horse naked would. Chapstick anyone?

Most guys find that sharing a romantic dinner at a local restaurant on the first date might give a woman cause to remove her clothes. Hauling a woman 200 miles and exposing her to close-up views of your sweating, flopping genitals during a nude volleyball game likely won't have the same effect. She'll be wearing an Antarctic snowsuit inside an iron lung by the time you reach match point. But you have to remember, being nude isn't about sexuality. It's about freedom and confidence! So feel free to have the confidence there will be no sex with Brandon.

Personally, aside from sex or feverish, unscheduled masturbation, I only find one activity enjoyable while nude in front of strangers; sitting cross-legged with my hands cupping my genitals like I've entrapped an endangered songbird. My penis hasn't been in my "show-and-tell" inventory since I was 5. Size may not matter to Brandon, but that's easy to say when your cock could drink from a stream while your sitting on a freakishly tall horse. I'm hung like a frightened gnat in a cold shower. Thanks nature!

Luckily for women, most men won't request a first date take place at a nudist camp. Naked men worry too much that you'll judge them solely on their genitals rather than who they are as a person.

Wow. Does anyone smell irony in that last sentence?

45 comments:

Weasel said...

Yes, yesterdays posts came down. They were both absolute bombs.

Rozie said...

Imagine the poor bastard who has to clean the saddles when some hairy assed, skid-mark leaving,sweaty man comes back from galloping around for a few hours...Yuck.

Hey Weez, you play with your posts (and probably yourself LOL), too much. They weren't that bad you needed to take them down :)

Maque said...

Aw. I didn't get to see yesterday's posts. :( Oh, actually, now that I think about it and have looked at what was missing, I did--I didn't think they were bad at all!

Mary said...

Nudist camp huh? Wouldn't that be a Famunda Cheese, Back Bacon and Butt Butter schmorgus board? All we need are cottage cheese thighs and an out of control yeast infection for a 7 course meal!

Ella said...

Nice image Mary.

And Weasel- stop being so hard on yourself. They were not bad! Put them back!

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Plausible reason for the helmet/gloves: Brandon is a nudist biker? Anyone want a ride? Oww oww.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Another thought: I'm sure many fugly readers have this experience, but usually when men who don't know how to ride try it (to humor our strange obsessive hobby) they bruise the bloody hell out of their balls because they cant sit a trot for their lives. I asked one friend if he would ever ride my horse again, to which he responded "Hell no, that shit bruised my balls for a week!" I can only imagine what riding naked would do...
And let me also bring up this point...wtf is with all these men looking for "company for a trip" ads. Oh yeah, I'd absolutely LOVE to go off into the woods with a strange man I dont know who is a nudist and of questionable sanity at best. Just HOW dumb do you think we are?

teawithlime said...

The "beaver consultant" ad was an instant classic. Please at least consider putting that one back up.

teawithlime said...

It's back!

Thanks, Weasel.

agustin96 said...

I wonder if the Indian and Construction worker will be there too.. Can you imagine the genital flopping to a naked YMCA?

Indra said...

agustin96Can said:
-you imagine the genital flopping to a naked YMCA?-

I think I'd rather not...

and as ChestnutJumper784 said how stupid do they think we ARE? No woman with her head on the right way would go out into the wilderness with some guy she didn't know.

Eccentric_Lady said...

What a gem here, Weasel.

*shudder*

ChevyGirl said...

not to make people overdose on brain bleach but I have a friend who has horses. She likes to get drunk and ride them. She was throwing a party one night, got nude, and yeah rode one of her horses. I heard all this from her "affair mate". She said she woke up the next morning wondering why her pussy was sore and there was straight chestnut hairs down there. Yeah, seriously I would never do that, nope not me.


By the way Weasel, your posts yesterday were fine. You are alot like a woman, dont worry bout what others think, just post it and make em like it ;) I know I did.

Jewil said...

Weas, you are to hard on yourself! Your posts are perfect!

Jewil said...

By the way, I can't even stand riding bareback in shorts much less naked!

CaliGirl9 said...

Weasel, who is a writer's worst enemy?

His/her brain and extra-tough non-objective self-criticism.

I do it all of the time. And I try not to. So you stop it too?

Besides, when I was a kid, I thought a "beaver" was the act of a female sitting in an unseemly manner so her "pussy" (or panties) was visible. So your post illustrated an example of wrong word usage and was actually a public service!

(Did I tell you I am primarily a PR writer and know how to spin things?)

And yes, naked men think a woman is judging him based on peen size. But aren't females usually more turned on by brains, conversation and foreplay versus the sight of a penis. 'Cause personally, penises are funny.

P.S. PMS-ing today. Pardon me.

CutNJump said...

Wow! I just had a "Village People" moment there...


And I am barely old enough to really remember them.

*shudders*

Ferret Fan said...

rozie,

I was thinking "bareback"! How gross is that for the horse?

And can you imagine the horse trying not to crack up when some nude man walks up sporting what looks like a hay straw where his dick should be?

CutNJump said...

Does anyone else hear the line from American Pie, running through their head?


And one time, at gland camp, I shoved a flute up my ________.
(fill in the blank in this case)

kahara said...

LOL is it bareback riding or riding with a saddle? Because either way would suck. With a saddle you'll probably need copious amounts of His and Her bag balm. With bareback, well, I don't even put up with MY hair down there, so I can't imagine borrowing some my horse's. Let alone where some of those hairs are bound to travel, especially if the horse has prominent withers or backbone.

CutNJump - was this a Freudian slip?
"And one time, at gland camp, I shoved a flute up my ________."
Gland camp...hahaha it works with the context of this particular ad!

Lynda said...

You know looking at that helmet and his gloves... he looks like a motorcycle cop....

Hmmmm I have a thing for men in uniform.... hmmmmm oh wait he's not wearing one! forget it!

Weasel said...

Hey, the post is called Gland Camp!

PMJ said...

Well, as someone who is a serious rider, naked riding is not my idea of fun. He may want to invest in some "Anti Monkey-Butt" since at times, even us clothed riders get "rubs" in unmentionable places. Not exactly romantic--ew, and ew somemore. Not to mention the hair.

Trojan Mouse said...

PMJ,

>Well, as someone who is a serious rider, naked riding is not my idea of fun.

Yup. I'm also really adverse to having sex in hay barns.
When you haul tons of that shit every year it just removes all sexual aspects of it. The thought of banging some guy while we're covered in hay dust, stems, chiggers and who knows what else is just fucking gross.
And while Mr. Not-Hung-Like-A-Horse could put the gloves to good use moving bales, I'd bet the first hay stem he got shoved up the magic flute would put him to his knees.

Liz S said...

Where is my hairpiece!? :-o

amanda said...

The horse part reminds me of a shirt a saw before.
"Ride naked: Put some color in your cheeks"

Evergrey said...

Please don't ride bareback...Please don't ride bareback...Please don't ride bareback...

Maryann said...

LMAO! That photo... is so freaking GAY!

Ella said...

It does not shock or surprise me that the one thing you people latched on to was the horseback riding.

Indra said...

hahaha, what do you expect, we're a crazed group of horse people, as soon as horses are mentioned, all other subjects disappear from our mind.

CutNJump said...

Lynda- you can have ALL of the men in uniform! The officers anyways. I had gone over 10 years with no tickets.

BAMMMMMO! Speeding ticket in June, another ticket in August and I got pulled over last night on the way home. The last one let me go with a warning. Thank God! I have to be in traffic school Sunday morning at 7am...

Think any Hallelujah's will help me there???

CutNJump said...

Even if this guy actually has a bike (motorcycle) riding it nude would also cause discomfort. Skin stuck to vinyl... not pretty. Depending where you live- scorched, tender skin. Either that or the constant vibrations would cause moisture down below, making it difficult to stay on.

Yes Weasel. It is named Gland Camp. And every time I see that I think of the line from the movie as mentioned above...

Peculiar Jane said...

Hi Weasel
I enjoy your blog and have featured you on my new blog - One Cup of Joe.

I hope you pick up some hits from it.
Jane

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Naked men worry too much that you'll judge them solely on their genitals rather than who they are as a person.

Wow. Does anyone smell irony in that last sentence?

I'm pretty sure the best way to scar any man for life is to tell him his penis is too small/just doesn't compare to your ex's/the sex was better with a man with a bigger penis/etc.

Ella-like I said, it's a strange, obsessive hobby. We can't help it.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Makes me think we should just make them run around naked all the time. This way, they can know what it feels like to be judged every day of your life based on appearances.

Ella said...

I've picked up on the 'obsessive habit' thing. I think I'm the only one who has nothing to do with horses on here. Only by proxy. And I know nothing about them.
Am I the only one?
Anybody?

Just Kreeping Up said...

If he is a nudist, where did the tan lines on his arms and thighs come from?

Lynda said...

CNJ I love a man in uniform... of course now IM older so I probably cant get out of a ticket the way I use to! Just a nice smile, be friendly and agree with them!

Dont play stupid!

I use to date a NH State Trooper and he said he hated it when people played stupid so he would throw the book at em. Sigh he was a nice guy but not a keeper...

My friends cant believe Im still dating the guy I am. Been 8 years. He's never been in a uniform in his life and never was military... Im former military and again... love those uniforms... LOL though Ive told my kids to make sure I get buried in the veterans cemetary with the Special Forces guys cause they know how to party! woohoo!

(Im a former aircraft mech in the USAF)

anniebanannie said...

trojanmouse said: And while Mr. Not-Hung-Like-A-Horse could put the gloves to good use moving bales,

OooooOOOOooooh, a man who moves hay bales.... that's sexy. After he moves 10 ton of hay, he can vacuum... and clean the toilets.

That's definitely worth a bj.

Robin said...

Oh yes, because it is SO safe to ride without proper clothing.
I hope they have a clinic at that colony because those idiots who provide horses for those other idiots are gonna need to rush those chaffed up, bleeding, stomped on, non clothed morons to the doctor. Accidents ahoy!

TeddieLeigh said...

AAAHHHHH!YOUR WHITE CENSOR THING STILL SHOWS HIS PUBES! OMG! I WAS planning on keeping my dinner down, but apparently, Weasel, you and the Frisky Dingo here don't agree with me! ;-)

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Anonymous said...

I'm skeptical that he's a real nudist, because real nudists don't use the term "nudist colony." They prefer terms like "camp" or "resort."

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