Thursday, September 18, 2008

Yore The Bestest

I'll make you cum like never before

I'll pound your f'ing pussy just like you like it all my exgfs keep blowing up me cellpone "yore the best" but I need sum new pussy. Good with my mouth, good with my hands, good with my tungue, great with my perfect dick.Got a perfect dick and body you'll beg for more pretty soon youll be calling me to hahaha. Tyler XXX-XXX-XXXX

Yeah, yeah, yeah…you’re the best. Never hear that one around the WWHM offices.

If sexual prowess was a cut of meat, every fucking spindly, dried chicken claw of a man would claim they were a cut of kobe beef.

Unfortunately, nine times out of ten the guy that brags about his sexual prowess couldn’t excite a loyal dog after a six month vacation. The shy, nerdy guy in the corner reading a book about Indian pottery? He’ll fuck you so hard you’ll burp up a half-digested bedpost into a pile of shredded pillows while your vagina fills out the assault paperwork.

Tyler is just another boring braggart. “I can make a nun cum by reading Bible verses,” he’ll boast, as a line of ex-girlfriends behind him exchange Energizer battery coupons, and try to breathe a little life into their overused, high-mileage dildos with their arthritic fingers.

Just because you're a great lay to one girl doesn't mean you'll be a great lay to the next, Tyler. A bored, neglected virgin may feel a weak spark of excitement when you handle her pussy like you're buff sanding the cat scratches off the arm of an antique chair, but an experienced girl will be bored to tears. She might be there in spirit, but her G-spot is in the fucking kitchen having a smoke and watching Seinfeld.

27 comments:

Eccentric_Lady said...

ROFLMAO Weasel!

Your last paragraph is killing me. "Her G-Spot's in the fucking kitchen having a smoke and watching Senfield."

That is one BORING show to watch too...

Ashers said...

Good at everything but spelling, apparently....

Oh dear. Someone has been admiring himself in the mirror just a little too much, me thinks....

Rozie said...

The spelling was the first thing I noticed too.
If this dickwad was as good as he was bragging then they wouldn't be Ex-girlfriends would they?

And guys that brag like this about their ability in bed are usually the most useless tossers in bed.

teawithlime said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
horsegal said...

"He’ll fuck you so hard you’ll burp up a half-digested bedpost into a pile of shredded pillows while your vagina fills out the assault paperwork."

ROTFL. OMG.... I needed that commentary after the previous two.

Thank you Weasel!!!! *still chuckling to self as she starts her work day*

ChestnutJumper784 said...

AHHAHAHAHAAH! "Yore the best!" Weasel. Something tells me if there really were women blowing up your cell phone, Tyler, that you would not be posting personals. Perhaps your "ex girlfriends who keep blowing up your phone" are about as real as your proposed sexual skills. I don't doubt that this dude gets a lot of first (and only) dates because he does have a good body. He just ruins it the second he opens his mouth.

DJ said...

Nerdy guys rule. I know a lot of people on here read FHOTD as well, so you'll get what I mean when I say my friends and I call guys like this "halter horses". We like them to stand there and look pretty while we admire their looks, but we find they just don't hold up well to more strenuous endeavors.

Ella said...

Yes because we are all attracted to narcissism. Something tells me he's a primper too, which is fine in moderation but if you're in the bathroom longer then I am there is a problem. I agree, go with the nerdy guy. He'll appreciate you more and you KNOW he has a lot of pent up energy that could be put to good use.

CutNJump said...

Rozie said...
>>If this dickwad was as good as he was bragging then they wouldn't be Ex-girlfriends would they?<<

He could be REALLY good in bed and still get kicked to the curb for his wandering eye, lack of:

(please choose from the following or feel free to add to the list...)

hygene practices,
personality,
tact,
manners,
common sense,
intelligence,
honesty,
A JOB!!!!
transpotation,
a place to live- not his parents attic, basement or the local frat house,
actual furniture- not milk crates and 5 gallon buckets to sit on/at,
...


>>And guys that brag like this about their ability in bed are usually the most useless tossers in bed.<<

Boy Howdy! You said it. The more they brag = the worse their abilities.

Sad really, and if anyone ever tried to 'teach them' anything in hopes of improving their skills- "You're such a Bitch!" and out the door you go for hurting their wittle feewings and making their 2inch long "happy stick" go limp as an overcooked pasta noodle...

CutNJump said...

dj- spot on!

Mani said...

Can you say, "Needle dick the bugfucker?" Just like a guy with a big noisy driving machine who thinks all the girls are sooooo impressed with his 'roar', those of us in the know are well aware that the bigger the noise the smaller the dick.

kahara said...

DJ - that about sums it up. The halter horse types aren't just found in the horse species.

You know why those nerdy guys are better? Because they simply aren't so damn into themselves. Look at this guy here...think about the hours he spends lifting weights, looking at himself, strutting to women. I don't believe for a second that stops in the bedroom. The nerdy guy is into learning, and how better to impress a woman when she feels like she is the sole focus and the guy actually wants to talk and learn about HER. Nerdy guy knows he can't compete physically with halter horse boy, so he uses his brains instead. And you know what? Brains last, but that weight lifting body doesn't.

water_bearer said...

dj - yes! So true. Just as Weasel has been approved as a quality breeding stallion by FHOTD readers, this guy falls under the "halter horse" category and is in dire need of a stop on the gelding bus tour!

*Amber* said...

OMG he's definitely halter horse caliber! Not a performance bone in his body, even the one he hides in his pants.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

LOL. I love "halter horse" - I bet he even has little feet and a whole lot of vasoline!

Walk On said...

Meh.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, talk like they can.

If he was all that, he'd be too damn busy getting busy to be typing up an ad.

SweetPea said...

Dear god... is THAT what I burped up this morning? You're right Weasel... it's always the quiet ones (heads back to the bedroom for more).

SweetPea said...

Or should I say... "limps" back to the bedroom? LOL

Evergrey said...

What he does not know is that men who are truly amazing in bed do not need to advertise. Women find out via the Girl Network. If you are a total asshat to a woman, other women are so going to find out about it. If you are an amazing lover, they'll find out too.

And why, when reading his ad, do I picture a grocery store meat shelf full of shrink-wrapped fresh vaginas? Like what, is all this pussy he supposedly gets now expired?

...oh gods BAD VISUAL IMAGINATION BAD BAD BAD.

I have a feeling the only women who think he's great are Laura Palmer and her 5 sisters.

Evergrey said...

Also, agreed- geeks are the BEST lays.

water_bearer said...

I have to disagree with the geeks being good lays theory. In my experience, the geekier the guy, the geekier the sex.
Don't get me wrong, I'd consider myself a nerd in many respects. Don't make me say some of my best friends are geeks, although they are. But I don't want to screw any of my friends. Have a couple dozen drinks with them and play board games, yes... but sex? No.

CaliGirl9 said...

This one's probably HYPP H/H to boot. Remove him from the gene pool.
His stupidity is also a good enough reason he's not stud material.
I adore a man who knows how to use words ... and doesn't spell words like yore, cum, and sum (when it's supposed to be some). I also would like to know what constitutes the "perfect dick." Being able to get an erection doesn't make the darn thing perfect.
I do wonder what kind of females he's "dating" if he claims all of his ex-gfs say he was the best. Probably his female equivalent. Plenty of 'em out there.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>What he does not know is that men who are truly amazing in bed do not need to advertise.<<

Bingo!

You know, it's like how gaydar works. I am convinced that at this point in my life, I can tell who's gonna be good in bed long before I have to get to that point. I'm pretty sure it's not a unique skill. I just know. And yeah, the good ones? I've never seen them have to post an ad to get women. They are usually juggling multiple women already!

Seriously, if you really ARE hot OR rich and still have to post an ad looking for sex, you either have the social skills of a child raised by wolves, or a three inch pecker, and we all know it.

Nicole said...

I think his ex-girlfriends are from the Time of Yore...meaning it was a long, long time since he has had one. I'm guessing he had a girlfriend as a freshman in high school, he banged her like a jackrabbit for two seconds, than told all his friend(s) about it like it was a porno...prompting the inevitable break-up. The ex-girlfriend probably told all her friends about his crappy bedside manner, which is how he got all the "gurls talking." He then had a fling with a blow-up doll, which HEY that counts as another "gurl"...she loved to blow him too but she always had the WORST case of dry mouth...thank god for KY

kahara said...

Nichole - LOL! That about sums it up...and the true meaning of sum...

water_bearer said...

Oh, precisely Fugly. If you can't tell inside 3 seconds of meeting a guy whether or not he'd be a quality lay by the time you're 27, then you need to back to the drawing board. Most stereotypes do not hold up either. Rock hard abs do not automatically equate to a rock hard dong, etc. Although, depending on the guy, there is something to be said for him being a good dancer. I'm not talking about pop-n-lock either. I mean, either you have rhythm or you don't, and it matters.

Nosnikta said...

***I bet he even has little feet and a whole lot of vasoline ***

(giggle)

....... I'm back :-)