Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Cocksucker

Want to watch me suck my own cock?

I'm a professional, good looking, athletic, and clean guy in XXXXXXXX. I'm looking for an openminded, fun woman to come over and watch me suck my own dick and take pictures/record. I can do this and would love someone there cheering me on and maybe even pushing my mouth further down my cock. I am very real, and looking for tonight. No games please. Matt

For all of us who have ever attended an amazing Las Vegas acrobatic show such as Cirque de Soleil, and at some point wondered to ourselves "I wonder if that guy can........um......you know......"

Yes, he can folks. Yes he can.

He's blowing himself like his cock is a flaming marshmallow.

According to a Kinsey study, fewer than 1% of males have the ability to auto-fellate themselves. Critics suggest the number might be a little low, since all men that can actually blow themselves haven't left the house long enough to participate in some stupid study that would interrupt their staying at home and continually blowing themselves.

As comedian Bill Hicks once said, "I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now... watching an empty stage."

Matt won the male spinal detachment lottery, and can suck on his own cock like an industrial chicken vacuum. And just like the cocaine-addled monkey that will snort blow until his heart explodes, Matt will likely continue to suck his own dick until his balls are drier than the sun-bleached asslips of a dehydrated Sonoran sun snake trapped in a bag of salt cubes.

Goodbye Lonelyville, hello Fellatiopolis!

But now Matt wants your company so you can help "cheer him on" as he feverishly fellates himself. Which, really, if you think about it, is just about as exciting as going over to someone's house to "cheer them on" as they mow their lawn.

But women will certainly cheer Matt on after he dumps his bag of grass clippings into his own mouth, makes the patented lemon face, and runs to the sink with his cheeks inflated with testicular discharge. "Eeeew," he'll cry, "it tastes like bleach."

"Don't worry," they'll say, "it's good for your skin."

77 comments:

SweetPea said...

Oh. My. God.

WTF? So.... he doesn't want help, he wants spectators? I suppose he could sign on at the nearest "porno circus" (they have those, right?) and become attraction 12b, right next to the lovely he/she that has a lovely set of double D's, no balls and everything waxed.

That'll be $2 please.

Anonymous said...

He needs to get in on Tim's Hairy Snack Shack!!

Ella said...

Wow. Do men actually have a secret desire to be able to do this?

At least it saves us the trouble.

"Honey, how about a bj tonight?"
"Do it yourself!"
"Oh, alright.."

And I agree with the anonymous person above me.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if he swallows

Ashers said...

Just think - if you could come up with some exercises that suppled the spine and eventually led to a man being able to suck himself....you could make a bloody FORTUNE !!!! In fact, you could start a major RELIGON !!!!

Nosnikta said...

*** At least it saves us the trouble ***

THAT'S a mouthful.... THAT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE BLEACH!!!!

Ha!

Who was it here who walked in on her bf who was blowing himself while ramming HER vibrator up his ass? That is forever scorched into my brain. Too funny.

fleeting said...

This guy's exhibitionism aside....

I'm totally picturing my boyfriend attempting to do this and it is downright hilarious even in my head. WAY more exciting than watching someone mow their lawn. Hollywood move over, that's pure entertainment right there.

Ella said...

http://whymenhatewomen-theblog.blogspot.com/

Since Weasel said he'd give it a shout out and he didn't, I'm just going to keep doing it. If it gets obnoxious, blame him.

We blame men for everything anyway.

Ella said...

But if the chick is just supposed to watch, why does it matter?

Mary said...

I have a pretty good circle of guy friends. I think I'm going to be starting an informal poll of them. I want to see who many have tried this and how many have either seriously hurt themselves and/or been able to do it!

I'll post the results in a week! :P

Ella, you're my own personal cheerleader and I lust ya for it!

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Is it me, or does the white-out box make it look like his cock is on his forehead, not in his mouth?

God, I hope camera tripod sales went up with the advent of the internet.. or perhaps this is a really clear webcam shot?

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Or perhaps the white-out box is supposed to be covering his eyes and I just can't see his dick in the picture? Oh well. You've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

Anonymous said...

Getting past the fact that he's, ummm,pleasuring himself....have we noticed that he's on the dining room table in front of an open window?
Talk about lowering the property values!

"And in this home you'll notice little Johnny RottenCrotch burping his own worm!"

ChestnutJumper784 said...

I also noticed the kitchen table...but I'm pretty sure Matt is too busy blowing himself to have dinner guests/be making friends with the neighbors. I also want to know if he swallows. I'd guess no, but does anyone have a camera/cheerleader uniform? At least you don't have to worry about this one whipping it out after lunch and asking, "Can you help me out?" EVER.

ChevyGirl said...

I have always wondered if this were possible, well not with men but women, but now I know it is possible for men so why not a woman? Oh geez, I may have to go with a video camera just so I can place it on you tube and send a copy to Americas Funniest Home Videos. Wow. That poor thing needs help and fast, to have to learn to suck his own dick, the poor dear. I wonder if guys sucking their own dick is like a dog who gets a taste of blood? they just cant quit.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha, the last few lines of the post are priceless.

"It's good for your skin" ha ha ha.

Along the lines of, "But, honey, it's nutritious and low in calories"!

I see men say this and my first reaction is to say, "If it's so great, how come YOU don't do it!"

horsegal said...

EEEEeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!!

YUUUCCCKK!!!

I mean... everyone's heard the phrase "If men had breasts, they'd never leave the house"... this, um, puts a different spooey, er, spin on that one.

Speaking of bleach, I need some brain bleach for this one.

Today is my birthday by the way. What a memorable post to remember it by!

Thanks Weas!!

water_bearer said...

I've met one guy who could, or should I say who confessed to being able to do this as a kid, but he can't now that he's not a 90 lb. 12 year old with a rubber spine.
Love the dining room setting too. It kinda reminds me of those people who take other people's cameras and take pictures of themselves shoving the camera owner's toothbrush up their ass and replacing it in the holder so that when the pics get developed, they see what they've been brushing their teeth with for the last month. Sadly, with the advent of digital cameras, these ninjas aren't as prolific as they used to be. I think this is a new spin.
I can picture him half way through the neighborhood get to know ya buffet, propping up this picture right next to the green beans almondine, just to hear the 'cheers' of support.

Ella said...

happy birthday horsegal. And Mary, I'll cheer for you but thats as much cheering as I do.

This guy will have to find someone else.

CaliGirl9 said...

Just strategically place some sushi and this tool could be reenacting the scene in Sex and the city where Samantha covers herself in sushi for Valentine's Day.
Maybe this fool is trying to start a new spectator sport? Who can attach and maintain contact and an erection for the longest period of time ...
His parents would no doubt be so proud and be pleased their investment in gymnastic or dance classes have made a difference, and that their little boy is maintaining his skills!

kahara said...

Thingsthatperplexme said:
"Is it me, or does the white-out box make it look like his cock is on his forehead, not in his mouth?"

I had to look at it sideways at first to figure it out. The bar is on his eyes, and his cock is tiny so you can't really see it; it blends in with his thigh. Wait...that might be a ball though. He's going to have to get even more flexible to suck that micropeepee.

I wonder if dinner on the recreational table is included in the "deal," along with a large pointy foam finger and noisemakers? Maybe salad...and when she asks what kind of dressing is on hers, he promptly replies, "It's a homemade recipe."

Justin_Bobby said...

This makes a lot of sense. I mean now I know why men have penis envy. Seriously he'd be better of licking his taint than trying to suck on his balls!

SweetPea said...

Also, the table cloth is "discolored" beneath him... EWWWWWWW

Ferret Fan said...

As comedian Bill Hicks once said, "I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now... watching an empty stage."


God I miss Bill Hicks! Now I know why I love your blog weasel, we both like Bill Hicks!

Mary said...

FYI, I asked my fiance, who happens to make my thoroughbred Tango hang his head in shame, if he's every tried it. He said, and I quote, "Hell fucking NO!" So I asked why...he said, "There is something and nasty about it. Plus, I have you!"

So, on to people who DON'T have me, I guess!

Appolonia said...

Haha, oh man, does this bring back horrific flashbacks... at least when I walked in on my now-ex doing this, he wasn't on the dining room table! But then, he had my vibrator shoved up his rear, so I think he still comes out on top in the "wtf" factor.

CutNJump said...

I am trying to find my email about blowjob revenge.

It's about a drink a girl convinces her boyfriend to try.

A shot of Baileys Irish Cream, held in your mouth, tip head back and add a bit of salt, then squeeze half a lime in on top.

The citric acid kurdles the cream and it tastes all creamy salty and nasty at the same time. Much likesomething else we all know about.

Only this isn't good for your skin either...

Anonymous said...

To be honest, this guy might be the "dream guy" we've all wanted--heck, what women wouldn't want a man that she never had to give a bj to??

As far as whether he spits or swallows....not sure I really want to know.

Laurel said...

Men react to the photo:

"I wish I could do that."

"Maybe if you buy him a beer, he'll let you."

Lynda said...

Does this mean he's Gay?

CutNJump said...

Lynda- I have always tried to figure out which man is more gay...

The one getting a blowjob from another man

or

the one giving another man a blow job?


Seems this guy has both sides of the fence covered. Hands down.

SweetPea said...

Oh yeah.... he's gay no matter what way you look at it CNJ

water_bearer said...

cutnjump that drink sounds AWFUL! And yet... all too familiar. It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Samantha is "dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk" and she makes him drink it to see just how bad it is.

Merridyn said...

Well, his own ad suggests that he doesn't get much...doesn't seem to want it!

Someone must have told him, "The fuck machine is out of order so fuck yourself and save a quarter!"

kiwiness said...

Ok I went to work today and asked both sexes would they if they could, swallow or spit???? Aparently I'M a sick bitch!!!! I told them that NOOOO it's not me but a real live dude blowing himself! Now my friends are too scared to look at the blog. I did try to explain there are cute kittens/chickens also.

Bexs said...

My only question is what sick fuck is taking the picture?

xenobiologista said...

@Ashers: There is in fact a quasi-religious activity that has made fortunes and can teach men to be this flexible, it's called yoga.

benevola said...

I used to date a guy who could do this. He's 5'9", weighs in at around 140 lbs and is extremely flexible.

Most guys I know have attempted this, but he's the only one I've ever witnessed doing it.

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Gujju Girl said...

I just wonder if can improvise his skills and push his cock in his own asshole, he will not require any woman at all !!!

Anonymous said...

It takes some practice and it DEFINITELY feels good, but I was shocked at how warm cum is. I sucked it plenty of times but only came in my mouth once. I wish I'd swallowed, now I'm to old to even lick the head. Eating cum out of a pussy is not even close to being that warm...and I guarantee you nine out of ten guys try it.

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