The Leak

Shy man seeks ass play from woman

Ok, so I'm I like being fucked and fucked hard. I like having things in my ass(dildos, vegetables). for the most part anything goes, please be discreet. My wife wont fulfill my wishes and i know she would tell her friends i cant have that happen please please respond. ted

Wow, that's weird.

I hear the Pacific Ocean, but I smell Cleveland.

A lot of guys turn to internet bulletin boards to find women capable of fulfilling their fantasies. Unfortunately for these idiots, they don't understand that women consider a handshake and a smile a good first impression, not an unwiped asshole and a tray containing a shit-stained cauliflower.

But Ted has a legitimate concern. Menstruation, terrorists, angry dogs, maps, vaginas- yeah, they all can scare the crap out of a man. But nothing strikes more primal fear in the heart of a man than seeing two or more women talking and giggling. It literally causes our scrotum to retract over our genitals until our pubic area resembles a miniature kangaroo pouch. Because we know you're talking about us.

Ted's correct in that a woman would tell her friends. And it would take place in one of these giggle-centric woman-circles that always form at parties. We know these fortified circles serve only one purpose- to tell your friends everything you promised us you'd never reveal to anyone. We may as well tell you our deepest secrets with a bullhorn and several graphical charts in front of a live studio audience.

"Oh, hey girls," you might say, "my pussy-ass husband over there likes getting his ass plowed like a Vietnamese rice field. And when he cums, he makes a face like a giraffe eating a bowl of lemons." Then you'd all giggle and sneak a look at the offending party innocently, although it couldn't be more obvious had you been glaring at us through a telescope large enough to see purely theoretical planets.

There's nothing you can do about it Ted. In your fantasy world, a woman's mouth would always be closed and her legs always open. But in the real world, a woman's mouth stays open and her legs remain closed. And when her legs do open, her mouth just opens wider.

Know it. Accept it. Respect it.

Now on to more important issues.......

You really need to stop eating green apples.