Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Nutz. For Your Truck.

Someday, somewhere, a brilliant man named Thad came up with a brilliant idea while trying to open a can of soup with a tennis racket.

"I'm uh gonna put some balls on my truck."

Enlightened, he fucked his sister twice and then climbed a nearby mountain as a thunderstorm approached.

"Listen y'all," he yodelled into the villages below, "I jus' done thinked of sumtin funny. We's all gonna put us sum ballz on our trucks.""

Some of the village men heard the strange calling, and immediately stopped ass-raping their neighbor's chickens.

"Howma gunna git muh balls back on if I put um on muh truck?" other male villagers asked, while dripping chipmunk innards out of their Swanson aluminum dinner trays onto the floors of their trailer homes.

"Not yer own balls, fake ones ya stupid," the 12 year-old village wives responded, as a constant stream of undernourished infants squirted out of their uteran canals unabated into a pile at the door of the town welfare office.

Henceforth, TruckNutz became a huge hit throughout the Great American South, and Thad Cornwall became a millionaire and bought a new swamp tractor with flames painted on the side.

If you would like to ensure your boyfriend/ husband never has an opportunity to sleep with another woman, buy him a pair of prominent chrome or electric Truck Nutz.

Available at www.gotnutz.net

Seriously.

32 comments:

nip/tuck said...

Ugh. I hate seeing balls on trucks. My personal favorite: the skin-colored sac. It gets worse when the truck rounds the corner and you catch a glimpse of the hairy, flannel-clad driver, creating a really disturbing thought in your mind.

I have to say, the web site you found gives the skin-colored nuts a run for their money. How about those cherry red nuts with realistic veins & skin wrinkling?

EventGirl said...

I stole a pair of these off some dbags truck in my town and then put them on my friends car without him knowing.....they were on there for weeks


oh and they were bright pink....

Catherine said...

I told my uncle last week I want to attatch a pair to my PT cruiser, alon with a sigh that says: "Borrowed my Husband's"...

LOL

CutNJump said...

Otherwise also known as BumperBalls.

I always ask The driver if they are compensating for something.

I usually get back the grunted "Huh?" and a blank stare.

To which I respond "I thought so." and drive off.

Walk On said...

I had agreed to go out w/ a guy once. He came to pick me up, and his *COROLLA* had a pair.

I didn't go out with him, there was no way I was riding in a car w/ balls and I told him so. He looks at me and whines "but they're funnnnnnny".

I said "maybe if you're drunk - and male"

I know of NO female that really finds these things attractive. Girls, speak up - do seeing fake balls on the back of a truck or car make you wanna do the driver?

On the upside, it is nice of them to hang up a "sign" letting us know their mental development stopped around age 10.

ChevyGirl said...

oh I want a pair!!! Yes I am female buuuutttt.... I have a really great idea. For those of us women who buy these nuts also get a bumper sticker made that says "The nuts you see below are that of the last guy who messed up" :) Now that right there would suit me just fine, specailly since I am known to be a bit crazy around these here parts ;) By the way, we Southerners are known for alot of things, but if you like munching on moonpies, thank us :) Along with fried chicken and sweet tea. Born in Tx, rasied all over [naval brat], but living in the high cotton in the good ol south!

nip/tuck said...

ChevyGirl said...
oh I want a pair!!! Yes I am female buuuutttt.... I have a really great idea. For those of us women who buy these nuts also get a bumper sticker made that says "The nuts you see below are that of the last guy who messed up" :)


Are you sure you're not the "KEEP your dick in your PANTS" lady from the July 20th post?

colorisnteverything said...

They exist and I have seen them. Disgusting. I have seen the flesh colored ones, too.

I don't care what reason you have for having them, it's just distasteful. Ick!

And no, I don't know any woman who would go, "I have to have him NOW! Look at those truck nuts!"

4thehorses said...

I saw my first truck with balls several years ago in the Seattle burbs. I laughed so hard, I almost crashed into the fucking thing! Weasel, WTF is wrong with men???

evilbitch said...

Please say it ain't true and you photoshopped this picture! o_O

anniebanannie said...

The only thing I hate more than balls on vehicles are the stainless steel silhouettes of impossibly proportioned women. They look like Barbie with a boob job or Dolly Parton with legs.

anniebanannie said...

chevygirl said: oh I want a pair!!! Yes I am female buuuutttt.... I have a really great idea. For those of us women who buy these nuts also get a bumper sticker made that says "The nuts you see below are that of the last guy who messed up" :)

Noooo, the bumper stick should say: "These nuts are from the guy who tried the alphabet trick on me..."

nip/tuck said...

anniebanannie - I think you're on to something! Maybe women should dangle tongues from their bumpers...

Anonymous said...

Never once have I been with a man and murmured the words, "My.....what a fabulous scrotum you have."

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>I stole a pair of these off some dbags truck in my town and then put them on my friends car without him knowing.....they were on there for weeks


oh and they were bright pink....<<

Now THAT you should have photographed!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Here is what I want to talk about on men's trucks...

THINGS PEEING. WTF, why?

Calvin peeing.
Hobbes peeing.
Forest critters peeing.
Disney characters peeing.

Why? Why? Why?

You guys, I know you thought it was way cool that you came equipped with a multi-position pee nozzle when you were 5 and we didn't, but are you ever gonna get over it?

Peeing. Not cute.

Le said...

But what if the balls hit some rocks or speed bumps? That shit would hurt!!!

MinxyQ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MinxyQ said...

I want the truck...but I want it GELDED first!

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Dude, the truck nuts have been around for years. Just think- men can get brass or steel balls to make up for those they don't actually have.

I toyed with the idea of getting some for my pickup but... I have to drive to church.
And they tend to bump into things when you're out 4X4 ing.

I thought I saw an extra ring somewhere to put between the balls and the chassis hook for more swingability, but I could be wrong.

rachel812 said...

I just about shot coffee out of my nose reading this! My question is about the guys who have the blue balls hanging from their trucks. No matter how hard I try to dive into the male psyche, I can't for the life of me figure out why a guy would want to send out the message "I never get laid!"

Yet another FHOTD reader here...first time poster!

CutNJump said...

I almost bought a set for my truck. Then I realized my 'girls' are bigger, and positioned higher up for everyone to see.

Do your balls hang low,
do they wobble to and fro,
can you tie them in a knot,
can you tie them in a bow?

Mack Truck said...

I've known about these things for years. Never actually seen 'em on a vehicle, but there's always a first time.

However, there's some low-life, redneck, piece of white trailer trash who drives around in a Mazda pickup truck with those women silouhette mud flaps, a rebel flag sticker, tricked out alloy wheels, a turbo charger, roll bar, and these words stuck on his back window in 2" white letters: "My other toy has tits".

I've never been more tempted to ram someone with MY truck, back up, and then ram him again. Then, when he gets out of his tricked-up woman repellant, run HIM over just because.

Does that make me a bad person?

That whole setup just screamed: "There's no way ANY woman lets me close enough to even smell her perfume."

Unless of course, the toy that has tits also grows wool and says "baaaaa".

Kokorami said...

Cut/Jump--remember the immortal words of Joan Jett: Girls got balls--ours are just a little higher up. ;-)

CutNJump said...

Mack Truck said...
>>I've known about these things for years. Never actually seen 'em on a vehicle, but there's always a first time.

However, there's some low-life, redneck, piece of white trailer trash who drives around in a Mazda pickup truck with those women silouhette mud flaps, a rebel flag sticker, tricked out alloy wheels, a turbo charger, roll bar, and these words stuck on his back window in 2" white letters: "My other toy has tits".

I've never been more tempted to ram someone with MY truck, back up, and then ram him again. Then, when he gets out of his tricked-up woman repellant, run HIM over just because.

Does that make me a bad person?<<


Not if you ram him once for me!

Merridyn said...

In his great write-up, weasel mentioned guys fucking their sisters. I am 2 degrees of separation from a sister fucker.

My friend has a friend who is far less intelligent, very immature, and perpetually urinating on various things. His dream is to urinate off of the roof of a Walmart super center during X-mass season. He introduced an even stupider friend of his to my friend with the following (cue Texas accent):

"Meet m'friend, Chase. We call'im the sister-fucker. Do you know why we call'im that? Cuz he fucks his own sister!"

The public urinator probably has truck nuts. He has something even crazier. When he had his dog neutered, he had them put in fake balls (yes, they make them down there!) so that the dog wouldn' feel less of a man. He has also caused himself injury masturbating with dairy farm equipment.

CutNJump said...

Merridyn- those would be neuticals for the dog.

Just as useful as the balls on a Christmas tree!

QChostage said...

Here, in the heart of the midwest, truck balls have been a staple of hick culture for years. I like the idea that they are a giant flashing sign for who NOT to approach. Also included on this list are:
*Confedrate flags
*Bush/Cheney '04 stickers
*pictures of dead deer painted on the truck cab's rear window
I already have plans for a large vagina to be attached to my Ford Explorer's front grill in protest. What do you think; brazilian or au naturelle?

Anonymous said...

I don't understand men's fascination with their sacks. I never consider them at all unless they are slapping against my ass.

Igraine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Igraine said...

anyone with a truck like this needs a beer holster!
You can purchase one at Red Envelope. Thanks for the add on facebook.

Igraine said...

anyone with a truck like this needs a beer holster!
You can purchase one at Red Envelope. Thanks for the add on facebook.