Poor Pony

Wealthy Stallion seeks Pagent Queen -21

Just a regular dude who made it through the regular and everyday trials and tribulations of a hustler's life (legit of course) and enjoying the position of being able to spend money like it was water, drink expensive drinks, and enjoy the most lavish of lives. Hope to share my Money, Cars, Clothes, Crib with a special woman who deserves a crown... Like for princesses who like to be spoiled, and be pampered with only the most extravagant gifts. Must be able to take pipe. Only the best and most qualified need apply... Jonathan

Nothing pleases the staff at WWHM more than tragically misguided, pubic hair-free youths posting doe-eyed photos of themselves accompanied by longwinded text bloviating about their hard-scrabble success as a "hustler." It's like the Backstreet Boys bragging about stealing crib trays from unattended infants.

Delivering Sunday newspapers on a Schwinn equipped with a food basket and a traffic bell in the Blueberry Creek neighborhood doesn't make one a "hustler". I'd like to see Jonathan "hustle" in my neighborhood; it's so tough around here that yesterday I got robbed at knifepoint by a pregnant duck. Jonathan looks more like the type of guy that would emit a white-hot stream of piss into his rolled-up cotton summer sailing shorts when suddenly startled by a sneezing show-bunny with a pink ribbon adorning his ears.

While men find themselves quite attracted to hairless pussies, Jonathan here needs to understand that most women are not. Some females may find this look attractive, but they tend to read Teen Beat magazine and eat out of lunchboxes emblazoned with flying unicorns.

As any WWHM reader knows by now, any man that brags about his money in a personal ad has a very specific relationship with money; he has none. Although he has to Photoshop $140 into his pantyline, Jonathan assures us he has so much money he can "spend it like water", which indicates he might want to spend some of it on a community college class called "Analogies That Make Sense 101."

To a 21 year-old, a "lavish life" means a fancy restaurant has a medieval theme where pock-faced teens in pirate outfits serve you entrees with names like "Ye Olde Hams With Cheeses." He considers a lowered truck with a pair of balls affixed to the trailer hitch as a "nice ride", and "the finer things in life" include wrestling tickets, Bud Light at breakfast, and second-hand IKEA furniture. And don't even get me started on the sex- only a yogurt gun can squirt more protein onto your pillows after just two pumps.

Jonathan wants to date a woman who "deserves a crown", and any woman that dates Jonathan certainly does deserve a crown, only the crown will be conical in nature and have the word "Dunce" inscribed across the front.

Put that in your fucking pipe, Jonathan. And smoke it.