Wednesday, July 23, 2008

American Gigolo

This probably won't work but I thought I'd try anyway

so i'm a slightly above average guy .. i'm taller than average .. bigger than average .. smarter and nicer too. Unfortunetly I'm also broke at the moment. Does anyone know of any jobs available on weekday evenings? I'm great at oral and love to please if that's what you need. Darrin.

Darrin, you know what what you and your personal ad both have in common? Neither of you work.

Let's go back to fifth grade and perform a dissection. Back then it was a frog, and today it will be Darrin.

Oddly, both reek of formaldehyde.

First, to judge an average woman's reaction, I invited my feverishly horny intern Beulah into the lab and posed this question: Beulah, would you rather pay this man to have sex with you, or eat a week-old squirrel waffled into the road? Beulah promptly scavenged around the lab for a bit, and left with a spatula, a bag of salt, and a tea straw.

What went wrong here? Why doesn't this ad work? Besides the fact that an unemployed Darrin snapped a grainy cellphone photo of himself in the basement of a back-alley Guadalajara abortion clinic while ensconced in his prized "forested penis" outfit?

The reason it doesn't work is as plain as that hummingbird leg he's holding in his fingers.

More commonly known as "the nirvana of female visual erotic stimulation," Darrin neglected to throw on a pair of dirty unmatched sweatsocks to complete the ad. Maybe next time Darrin, maybe next time.

On the bright side, I hear Gap Kids needs bra models.

19 comments:

nip/tuck said...

I'm guessing he lives with the Smurfs. That would explain "taller than average," but I'm still not sure how he came up with "bigger than average." I was thinking he could apply for third shift at McDonald's, but they don't have franchises in Smurf Village.

*Amber* said...

WHY would anyone post that picture of themselves?!?!

I just assumed "bigger than average" referred to his gut.

Nosnikta said...

This scares me.

In addition, if I were a man, I would at least harden the weiner if I were going to take a picture of it. On the bright side, if this is, in fact, his stiffy... he may be able to lose his belly due to the lack of funds coming in with his man-whore attempts.

This picture makes me think of an old urine smell in an abandoned building.

Spotted_T_Apps said...

Ooooohhhh!!!! I've been saving my loose change just for an occasion like this! Bring it on big boy!


*snork*

CutNJump said...

For some reason I kept inserting a 'W' in Darrin's name making it Darwin. Maybe some foresight that he will soon be an award winner?


By 'bigger than average' did hemean he has done a survey of other men's penises? (sp?- penis's, peni perhaps)

Not sure I want to know...

nip/tuck said...

CutNJump said...

By 'bigger than average' did hemean he has done a survey of other men's penises? (sp?- penis's, peni perhaps)


Maybe he's one of those creepy guys that lingers in the men's room, comparing his pinky-sized penis to the poor bastard at the next urinal.

sellefrancais said...

Oh hey thanks for not blurring out his hand on his dick... ick.

anniebanannie said...

You know what? Penis's are not attractive... and they're really not attractive on hairy obese men. Big, small, wide, skinny, it' doesn't matter they're not on my list of things I want to look at... ever.

Also, men need to get this into their heads, women aren't usually as involved in visuals of sexual parts as men. Men may get excited by naked breasts and vagina shots, but looking at photos of penis's doesn't usually get us hot. Sure we enjoy a nice tight body and a good butt shot, but the physical response is different.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Ewww! Ewww! Ewww!

OK, even if the dude HAD a lot of money, I am still not so sure he could get laid.

Le said...

He has slightly bigger tits than a chick I dated before.

CaliGirl9 said...

Penises are funny-looking. And not a turn-on. I prefer the suspense. And then I hope I do not laugh at what I see.
It's even funnier when said penis is nearly invisible below a pendulous beer gut LOL

MinxyQ said...

AHHHH...MY EYES, MY EYES!!!

CutNJump said...

Nip/tuck- or he sits in the stalls tapping his feet???

Merridyn said...

ick. These perosnals make me think of AWFUL horse sale ads. It's like someone selling their FUGLY 2 year old stud colt. The colt is not exactly well groomed, they pick the WORST possible background, shoot from an unflattering angle, and don't take another shot when they realized he "dropped" right when they shot the pic. I don't know about anyone else here, but I just find it hard to judge conformation when the stud/gelding is exposing himself like a sex offender in front of some catholic school girls. I vote that we geld him.

CutNJump said...

merridyn-

I second the motion.

All those in favor?

sellefrancais said...

Yea.

Mel said...

Is he holding a gun in his other hand? Maybe he is waiting for someone to put him out of his misery or thinks he will get pity sex if women thinks he is suicidal.
Smallest dick I have ever seen I reckon. If ants had penises they would be bigger than he is!!

Candice said...

I thought he had his back to the camera! And he's in a bathroom btw

pune gigolo said...

nice post ... thanks for sharing..