Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chowder Hounds

Anyone want a facial?

Me and my 3 friends want a slut who loves cum on her face. We are cool and nothing harmful. Just some cum on your face so you can eat it up. You know you want your face drowned in cum. North area preferred. My name is Blade if you want to contact me. (Don't worry, we prep with pineapple.)

Female WWHM'ers submit 3-4 "facial" ads a day.

Apparently, if eyeballs were ovaries, women could get knocked up faster than a 12 year-old at a Kentucky clown convention.

While men used to argue that cum cleared up wrinkles, women quickly caught on to the ruse. So unless you can figure out how to ejaculate fresh cucumber slices, they're pretty much sticking to Oil of Olay.

Then men turned to the argument that swallowing provided protein. Sure, but so does ham. And ham doesn't shoot at your face like an elephant sneezing with a trunkful of bleach-flavored yogurt.

As a last resort, men have now resorted to ingesting copious quantities of pineapple and/or Gatorade, in hopes women will appreciate the sweetened taste of their cum.

Unfortunately, if women wanted to ingest millions of tadpoles that tasted like pineapple, they'd much rather fly to Hawaii and suck on pond water.

What will men come up with next? Hurling a cup of tapioca pudding across the living room? Dunking their wives faces into a bowl of clam chowder at a seafood restaurant?

No one knows. All we know is if we ask, we'll get kicked in the balls so hard our children will come out looking like fucking xylophones.

"You try it!" they'll say.

So Blade, there's your answer. You try it. Now you just have to figure out which one of your friends enjoys a piping hot bowl of salty clam chowder gluing his eyelids shut.

And hey, if there's four guys, statistics say one of them will absolutely love it.

Maybe it's you.

(Ed note: WWHM Headquarters completely condones this activity, as it has been scientifically shown to trim 10 inches off your waist in as little as two weeks. Uh...no, we don't have the studies to prove it. Thats just the way it is. C'mon, everyone knows about it. Hey, why are you getting dressed?)

31 comments:

The Hatter said...

WHF is with the "prep with pinapple"???

Weasel said...

Prep with pineapple- I mentioned it in the commentary. Guys will eat pineapple, or Gatorade, to make themselves taste better.

nosey said...

When, OH when, will guy's realize prepping with taking out the fucking garbage, or emptying the damn dishwasher will wok WAYYYYY better than prepping with pineapple!

Der!

Nosnikta said...

Just give me the pineapple and then go jack off in your own face :-) It will be fun.

Chezza said...

I will call this guy right after I stab myself in the eyeball with a rusty spoon. At least I know where the spoon has been.

Kokorami said...

Aww, I thought it consisted of jamming a pineapple up his bunghole...leafy side first. That'd put ME in a good mood. BTW--"Blade"...nice nick (what's your bet he looks like an anorexic chipmunk with a greasy Dutch Boy/Prince Valiant 'do and Coke-bottle glasses, and that his Mommy never let him get past using a fork?)

*Amber* said...

I'm sure glad you explained the pineapple thing, because I was lost too. My thoughts: "Why would they want to smear pineapple on a woman's face first?"

Only women in porn are good enough actresses to let you think they enjoy hot salty slime being ground into their pores.

BTW, Nosey's right, prep with housework, it'll get your a lot more!

Sistah said...

Wow. I'm surprised how many didn't understand what the 'prep with pineapple' was.

CutNJump said...

Maybe he would get further with nursery rhymes- Like the Dice Man.

Peter, Peter,
pumkin pie,
jerked off in his
girlfriend's eye.

When that eye
was dried and shut,
Peter fucked that
one eye slut.

Maybe Blade would take 'sloppy seconds' with a side of pineapple and a little paper umbrella stuck in his ass.

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO CUT! You bust me up.

I'm gonna memorize that one :-)

What's just as bad is when it flies up and hits your hair. I don't care how cute Cameron Diaz is... I can live without dried spooey as a sculpting product.

Oh... and up the nose? (snort)... I'm fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have spent a lot of time with my Dad when I was growing up and learned the proper execution of a snot-rocket.

Good gawd.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Guys, the only thing that will prep a girl for this is hundred dollar bills. And you'd better each have a couple of them!

See: Craigslist, Erotic Services.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>What's just as bad is when it flies up and hits your hair. I don't care how cute Cameron Diaz is... I can live without dried spooey as a sculpting product.
<<

*iced coffee out nose*

Shannon said...

"All we know is if we ask, we'll get kicked in the balls so hard our children will come out looking like fucking xylophones."


bwahahaha that's quite a mental image! the inside of your brain must be a lovely, terrible place. i'd summer there, if i could.

CutNJump said...

Nosnikta- Andrew Dice Clay had a whole bunch of nursery rhymes like that-

Mary had a little lamb
she kept in her back yard.

When she pulled her panties down,
His wooley dick got hard.

~~~~~~~~~

Little Boy Blue-

He needed the money!

CutNJump said...

ADC was also in the movie "Casual Sex" which I found funny as hell.

Also stars Lea Thompson, Victoria Jackson and Mary Gross from SNL.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

CNJ - I used to do the website, etc. for a crayzee actor who was in that movie. He thought black helicopters from the government were chasing him and that David Icke really had it all figured out.

That's a story to be told over margaritas one day...

Nosnikta said...

LOLOL.. yeah, I'm familiar with Andrew Dice Clay. The guy across the hall glanced up at me when I chuckled loudly at wooley dick lol. I know he's bugged that he doesn't know wwhat I'm doing in here.

I think they put him there to spy on me. Black helicopters huh?

CutNJump said...

Fugs- not a margarita fan, but that just means more for you. Right? I'll be gulping down the other foo foo drinks or beer. Hooray, Beer!

Nosnikta- I swear one of us is going to get the other one busted for ROFLMAO at work, one of these days. I just know it.

Weasel said...

Shannon, you wouldn't want to summer there. Lots of storms. Maybe visit for a weekend.

Cut N', who the hell did you work for? I've seen Casual Sex- is it who I'm thinking it is? The more I think about it, I think I know who it is.

*Amber* said...

ADC had an accent resembling the Jersey boys below. But he made it work.

I like crude humor. :)

CutNJump said...

Weasel- Fugs was the one said she worked for someone who was involved with the movie.

I said I know the company that supplied the Belaggio with nozzles for the fountain and made the MGM lion.

If you are still curious, I will send you a link when I get home- via email.

Merridyn said...

While men used to argue that cum cleared up wrinkles, women quickly caught on to the ruse. So unless you can figure out how to ejaculate fresh cucumber slices, they're pretty much sticking to Oil of Olay.

Weasel, that has got to be one of the most absurdly funny mental images my mind has ever formed.

Does anyone remember the salad shooter? you know, the kitchen appliance that "helps you everyday." IT could take over the cucumber shooting job. It would be infinitely less annoying.

Walk On said...

lmao, Weasel, you have me on the floor here!

One in four guys, huh?

Such an educational blog! :D

CutNJump said...

Merridyn- sorry to spoil the fun image of the Salad Shooter...

Yes the salad shooter would be infinately less annoying than any one of these guys and especially all of them in the same room...

BTW- HOW gay is THAT? Four guys all hot and bothered- together? In the same room. ICK!

Anyways back to the appliance aisle-


What do you call a vegetarian with diarhea?

A Salad Shooter.

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO!

We started a diet contest at work and one guy weighed in at 363 pounds. The first week he tried to eat salads. I think he walked by my office 5 times a day informing me "I have to poop again". lmao

I'm going to tell him about the Salad Shooter (snort)

sellefrancais said...

"And ham doesn't shoot at your face like an elephant sneezing with a trunkful of bleach-flavored yogurt."

Ah, so you've tried it.

anniebanannie said...

ROTFLMAO!

Fuckin' A weasel, I didn't think you could top the previous one.

My face hurts.

wheelin126 said...

Well hell at least he was offering a variety with 4 of them wanting to spew all over your face, one can prep with pineapple, one with pears, one with peaches and one with maraschino cherries and you could have yourself one hell of a fruit cocktail facial...what more can a girl ask for all my desires have been answered!! LMAO

Pilar said...

Pineapple? Pah! Now if they could make it taste of chocolate, they might be on to something...
I still wouldn't want it in my eyes.

CutNJump said...

I've got to go through my emails and find the one about blowjob revenge. Any girl can find the humor in that one.

Mzfilly said...

Please post that info immediately.

Many Thanks...

(snort)