Monday, July 21, 2008

WWHM Fashion: The Stocking Stuffer

Here I am last week in my wanker-sleeve, oiled-up and hanging out at my loft, waiting for my Filipino house-boy Manuel to fetch me some buttered garden beets.

Manuel’s such a nice little man with his pouty, willing lips and subserviant demeanor. Thank God I’m not gay, or he’d spend every day bent over fishing for urinal cakes in my steam room. Hmmm, I hope he doesn't think I'm gay. But why would he think that?

Anyway, I like to wear these when I fetch the mail or work in the yard, at least until my neighbor Chuck comes out and starts firing buckshot in my direction. He always says he’s gonna blast my “deer snout”, and I’ll tell ya, I have no idea what that means.

I also think this ensemble adds a light, breezy demeanor to the atmosphere when my girlfriend’s parents come over to visit us with their dogs, so I wear them every time.

Boy, those crazy dogs sure like the taste of the fabric in my stocking-sock. I look down and it's just tongues and saliva as far as the eye can see. What, did I wash these in salmon broth?

Anyway, her Dad, a conservative army sergeant, always brings me two avocados and a Mars bar stuffed into an old sweatsock and says “you should like this, it’s right up your alley.”

He’s right, I love avocados and candy. I just don't understand why he has to bring them stuffed tightly into that droopy old sock.

Maybe he just doesn't have a clue about what's proper.


iloverocky said...

In this 'outfit', this guy's penis resembles a proboscis monkey's nose!

The Hatter said...

iloverocky, OMG! You're right!

This is again, a case of WTF DO GUYS WEAR SPEEDOS?!? Yes, 'manuel' here is buff, but NO SPEEDOS, FOR THE LOVE GOD, NO SPEEDOS

Nosnikta said...

I have the incredible urge set a big pair of sunglasses on top of that thing.

CutNJump said...

The Hatter-

IMO- Spedo's = Spandex anything.

Those who can wear it, most often wouldn't be caught dead in it.

Those who should NOT wear it, are always the culprits that DO.

Nosnikta- I can picture the catipillar underneath for the mustache! Bad. Just Bad.

Nosnikta said...

hee hee hee....@ mustache... (snort)

This guy's probably waxed or shaved lol... we'll see some really ugly lips instead.

CutNJump said...

Mr. Potato Head lips!


Nosnikta said...

LMAO... we kill us lolololol

CutNJump said...

Ok, so with the sunglasses in place the sock for the nose and either the catepillar 'stache or Potato Head lips just underneath, does that make the scrotum a chin or what?

Ah, the visuals.... LOL!

Nosnikta said...

(walks in the house tonight with sunglasses and a banana hammock behind my back yelling "Honeyyyy I'm hommmme!!"

lolol... I'll find out!

CutNJump said...

For some reason,

I is a fearin' for that man!

Merridyn said...

I don't even know what to say to this one...I wonder just who he's thinking he'll atract?

Kokorami said...

Merridyn--Who, or _what_?

I don't know why, but the damn thing keeps reminding me of some freaky fruit from a Bosch painting. Or the pod things from the magnolia trees I saw in Wooster. I forget what type, Bay Magnolia? but that's wrong...not much for flowers but they have these freaky big long pink fruits--we used to call them Monkey Scrotum Trees.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>I have the incredible urge set a big pair of sunglasses on top of that thing.<<


The only time I see a bulge like that and think that it might possibly accurately represent what's underneath is in the case of David Beckham. That man really was born to do underwear commercials.