Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I Blame Porn!

burly hawaiian man looking to blow volcano


im a young burly sexy man looking for anything i can get in.im somewhat portly and unkempt but that is made up with a huge wanger.im also with my band so if your down with 3 dudes inside you at the same time we can make that happen.lets make this happen sexy hoes.

Every time I click on a men's personal ad, I pretty much know whats gonna happen now.

And it won't be pretty.

At this point, I could probably sit down and watch the documentary "Cattle Saws: Modern Bovine Thorax Splitting and Organ Extraction" on a 60 inch plasma screen during dinner, happily shovelling food into my mouth like a Somalian child that's been subsisting on a diet of partial insect wings and Pennzoil for the past six months.

And I'd enjoy it, simply because I knew the documentary wouldn't contain a close-up shot of a boil-spotted human erection shaped like a warped boomerang and lubed with a mixture of sandwich spreads.

Or a picture of a man's bloated, hair-matted belly oozing over his genitals like a dirt-covered room-temperature turkey breast sagging off the kitchen counter.

Why do these guys post these pictures?

Because when you live in your grandmothers garage and deliver pizzas you watch a lot of porn, and in porn all you need as a guy is dick, no matter which window in the house it points to. And in porn, it doesn't matter if the cellulite in your gelatinous abdomen creates more folds than an origami tse-tse fly. The chick still wants you.

Which brings us full circle to this guy, advertising that although he might be "somewhat portly and unkempt", it all doesn't matter because he still has a "huge wanger."

See, just like porn. Not only do you not care, but you'll love it. You sexy hoes.

Fucking wangers.


21 comments:

simlife said...

Maybe he's been watching too much Sesame Street ;)

Mack Truck said...

Oooh, fat AND unkempt?! Baby, where do I sign up?

Yeah, huge wangers always make up for being a fat, poorly dressed, unwashed slob. Not.

I get nauseous at the mere thought of how skanky that guy must smell, especially his huge wanger. Shiver.

Walk On said...

-gag-

Seriously, you need to promote this blog as a way to lose weight. It never takes more than two of these ads to make me loose my apatite.

I think you're on to something here re: porn movies and the "if you have a dick, they want it" idea. 'cause you know Mr. Skanky wants himself a hottie, if the female equal to him showed up - fat, unkempt, & greasy - he'd run.

Seriously, they do make dick substitutes...that vibrate and stay hard forever. As an added bonus, you only have to feed them batteries, you know whey they are when they aren't with you, and you don't have to do their laundry.

A guy needs to offer more than they do if he wants a woman.

nip/tuck said...

Huge wangers aside, isn't "burly sexy" an oxymoron?

CutNJump said...

Portly and unkempt but has a huge wanger.

Gee, just what EVERY woman wants- NOT!

WEll let's see now... He spelled everything right, just maybe didn't use the best of terms for the description.

By the looks of things, I seriously doubt a proper washing with a power sprayer, a gallon of shampoo, body wash and a wire brush would even come close to removing the crud, let alone covering up the newly discovered stenches that lie beneath with a case of aerosol deodorant spray and new clothes.

Oh and nice touch to add that his boys in the band want in on the action too.

*headdesk*

*Amber* said...

OMG the second guy has on an Oklahoma (OU?) t-shirt! I'm betting these dudes are from my state!

*hangs head in shame*

Spotted_T_Apps said...

My dream has always been to have 3 fat, hairy, dirty men shoving their monster cocks into me at the same time. How do I get in touch?

sassysmom said...

I am just so thankful that nobody has developed a way to make these ads scratch n sniff.

lookatmesmile said...

Why does this guy disgust me more than any others I wonder?

Nosnikta said...

OMG.. scratch 'n sniff???? I can smell him in my mind!!!!

What's that Carlene Carter song (I think it's her) where she sings "When you stink, you make me think dirty!!!" LMAO....

Kokorami said...

Cut/Jump--I don't even think a belt sander can.

Blow a volcano? Hell, I think I'll blow lunch :-P

gemtwyst said...

if your down with 3 dudes inside you at the same time we can make that happen

No thanks, I'd rather die a horrible twitching death.

wheelin126 said...

I'm with spotted t apps!! Where do I sign up I want 3 portly, unkept huge wangered dudes in me!!!

EEWWWW

I can smell them now...aahhh

*running to bathroom to puke*

CutNJump said...

Kokorami said...
Cut/Jump--I don't even think a belt sander can.

Blow a volcano? Hell, I think I'll blow lunch :-P



Oh my. My belly hurts from laughing.

Sassymo- I too second the "Thank God it's not Scratch n' Sniff!" comment.

MinxyQ said...

I wonder when these guys will ever understand the term "value proposition"....I have difficulty believing that there is anything with a pulse that would want what this guy and friends are offering. Perhaps Fugly can do a marketing 101 seminar for these guys...online as you wouldn't want to be in the same room as them.

iloverocky said...

As long as his two friends look like him, I am totally there. Yeah, right-to point and laugh at the fat boys who think any 'hoes' really want to get it on with their smelly selves. Yuck.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Minxyq - Much like trying to market an unhandled fourteen year old BLM mustang that chases people with bared teeth and needs to be shot with a tranq dart to have its hooves trimmed, some things simply are not marketable.

>>I am just so thankful that nobody has developed a way to make these ads scratch n sniff.<<

Best.Comment.Ever.

As for the OP, I blame Ron Jeremy. He's proof positive that they make porn for men, who want desperately to believe that they can be a short, fat, hairy, greasy looking little troll and Jenna Jameson will still want to lick every part of their body.

Anonymous said...

I work with this super dirty guy. I'd have seriously dry heaved upon smelling him before (like to the point where I thought I was going to vomit). How fucking hard is it to bathe and put on a clean set of clothes and some deodorant(super extra strength)???
This guy thinks that because I'm mean to him, that I want "in his pants". Thats enough to make me vomit in my own mouth. I'm mean to him because he smells, says disgusting things to me, and he totally freaks me out.
Any guys that are reading this, if you want to get a girl, fucking bath on a daily basis, wear clean clothes, and wear deodorant.
No woman wants 3 guys that smell that skunk crossed with bad BO banging them. Ugh...

The Hatter said...

OMG disgustingness.

Huge wangers and the possibility of getting "down with 3 dudes inside [me] at the same time"! That makes everything sparkle like rainbows being spewed from a unicorns ass.

Barf.

CutNJump said...

FHOTD-
>>As for the OP, I blame Ron Jeremy. He's proof positive that they make porn for men, who want desperately to believe that they can be a short, fat, hairy, greasy looking little troll and Jenna Jameson will still want to lick every part of their body.<<

NO SHIT! Amen sista friend!

And as long as Ron Jeremy and porn pals are setting the standard so low, men like the OP will continue to have hope- outside their fettish seeking realm.

Anonymous said...

Just...ew. On a side note, Weasel, you're hilarious. And I actually do watch anatomy dissection videos while eating dinner, yet this ad still managed to make me feel ill. Way to go, band man!