Sunday, July 20, 2008

You Knew It Was Coming

Tired of Cheaters! 43 yr old woman seeks male

I'm a 43 year old W female trying for the last time if there is a decent man in this world. You wanna screw me over go on to the next woman in here because I don't take shit from anyone. Seriously, I'm so sick of men's games I just want to meet a nice man who doesn't think with his dick all the time. You have to have a job, a house, a car (no more bus-riders!) and keep your dick in your pants. I want to travel so have some money, I love the beach!!! (Hawaii, Mexico, California) and gambling, walking and love animals! I'm serious don't respond unless you like these things, and can KEEP your dick in your PANTS.

Holy shit.

Something is flowing heavily, and it's not my nose after a two-week cocaine bender.

(For safety reasons, WWHM did not use the actual photo of the woman that wrote this ad. So just picture this woman with anger, herpes, and a beachball.)

As a guy, we have some concerns here.

The first is STD's. Having been with as many guys as she claims, she likely has an easier time identifying guys on Craigslist by their cock shots.

And with this kind of rage, something tells me if you put your hands down her pants, you'd find crabs. Not pubic crabs mind you, but actual crabs. Deadliest Catch could shoot an episode in her mini-skirt and we'd be knee-deep in crabcakes for 40 years.

The second is her history of boyfriends. Obviously her last boyfriend lacked the resources for a car, and likely had no job, which indicates she doesn't really set the bar very high. More accurately, she never even picked up the bar, which is currently lying on the lawn next to her last boyfriend, who passed out last night after beer-bonging her cleaning solvents. Yet strangely, she finds herself featured in a blog that chronicles the mating habits of the exact type of men she's attracted to. Can anyone pour me a nice, cool glass of irony? Thanks.

Third, she appears to suffer from bi-polar disorder- angry one minute, while hopeful and inspiring the next. Or more commonly known in romantic parlance as the "ticking time-bomb."

One minute you're sharing giggles and making cookies, two minutes later she's chainsawing your dog in half.

One minute you're snuggling and watching a movie, two minutes later you find your face in a waffle iron.

No reason, no explanation.

Perhaps it's just the crabs.


BELEN said...

asses are made to bear, and so are you

nip/tuck said...

Deadliest Catch could shoot an episode in her mini-skirt and we'd be knee-deep in crabcakes for 40 years.

OMG! Weasel, you are awesome... I nearly snorted milk onto my keyboard with this one.

KEEP your dick in your PANTS,
(doesn't that make a nice closing?)


jumper said...

Re: Comment #1 (because it was so bizzar it actually stopped me cold, even after the third read).

Seriously... WTF?

Perhaps the 'lady' in question is really just a guy who expects a cavalcade of irate female responders, from which he can happily take his pick?

evilbitch said...

Muahaha! Weasel, thank you for this!
She provided me with one of the best laughs ever and some soup snorted through my nose.
(Bummer, it had chili in it.)
I was just opening your blog thinking: "there must be silly approaches of women too, would like to read some ..." when I found this gem. :D
The really sad part of this all is not the approach itself. It would fully satisfy me if she got her well deserved darwin award for it.
It got me laughing, after all.
But the really sad thing is, anything with a vagina is likely to succeed if it looks only halfway human.
They always find some clueless prey.

I know, I have a vagina. 8)

evilbitch said...

Oh, I forgot ...
*pours him a nice, cool glass of irony*

CutNJump said...

Wow! I'm suprised you even used a picture at all...

I would have loved to have seen the 'real' keep it in your pants gal- googly eyed or face swirled... Bet she's a real prize herself.

At least she isn't afraid of the word Dick. But her repeated use of the phrase, "Keep your dick in your pants", might have most guys doing so willingly as they envision a date with Lorena Bobbit herself.

Bitch Around the World said...

This is brilliant! We women need more of these types of posts so we can see what we're doing wrong!

Here's what went wrong here - this woman got the hint that men don't like whiny little girls who don't know what they want...but she failed to read the next chapter, which detailed the fine line between strong, independent women and CRAZY FUCKING BITCHES.

Seriously, point out our flaws, it would be so helpful! I mean, it's not that hard - here are some great rules to garner from this ad -

1. Don't be a whore.
2. Don't be a gold-digger.
3. Don't spend your entire first communication with a man yelling at him for something he hasn't done yet.
4. Don't premise your *personal ad* on the notion that respondents better not want sex.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Honey, girls who are hot enough to get taken to the beach in foreign countries don't ever find themselves dating bus riders.

Look in the mirror, sunshine! You're not hot!

(We REALLY should get to see the actual pic on this one. I just know she looks like a cross between a yeti and the ass end of Ron Jeremy)

CutNJump said...

FHOTD- That thing you describe would be so hairy, you would need a gallon of Nair just to glimpse the face!

And yes, hot girls seldom buy their own anything- drinks, dinner or ???

It is all paid for by some rich schmuck hoping to get a beaver shot or in her pants later on...

Kokorami said...

ROTFLMAO! I'm glad I didn't read this last night (went out for seafood). "I want to travel so have some money, I love the beach!!! (Hawaii, Mexico, California) and gambling"

Sweetie, if you think someone's gonna foot the bill for your travel expenses, maybe a gambling junket just like that, I refer you to BitchAround's #2...maybe _you_ should think over your career, too. I'm sure Newmont could use you.

" animals"

Well, then, you should do fine with some of the guys who've posted here and can't imagine why you haven't already adopted one of them.

Nosnikta said...

but she failed to read the next chapter, which detailed the fine line between strong, independent women and CRAZY FUCKING BITCHES.

(looks around on the ground) Someone keeps erasing my line.

ANYWAY!!!! I had a dream I was DRIVING the bus!!!!!

(sings) Don't tell me no lies and keep your dick in your pants (la la la)

She wants a 40yo virgin wimp with a trust fund whom she can brow-beat and treat like shit and not have to take one for the team once in a while just to toss the poor little guy a bone.

OR!!!! Maybe she's really a guy and she just doesn't want anyone to see HER dick!

Yep, that's it.

Silly woman.

CutNJump said...

>>She wants a 40yo virgin wimp with a trust fund whom she can brow-beat and treat like shit and not have to take one for the team once in a while just to toss the poor little guy a bone.<<

I know HER! The woman you just described... She has two kids so she has put out at least twice, either that or I'm not sure I/we want the details.

CutNJump said...

Maybe she should hook up with Hairy Snack dude. Sounds like he will keep it in his pants!

Nosnikta said...

LOLOLOLOL... yeah, but I'm pretty sure if this chick doesn't want dick, she probably doesn't want to serve up a hot hairy snack either lol.

gemtwyst said...

Actually, I don't think you'd find crabs in this lady's underwear.

You're more likely to find piranhas in her tw@t.

ChevyGirl said...

I am sorry but that woman needs to get a life. After I dated 4 guys that did me wrong I stopped looking. I have had a 28 year old mammas boy that dumped me after I said no to anal sex, I had another 28 year old mammas boy that was a satanic bible thumper [goes to church and talks all this god stuff but yet he still burns animals alive WTF?], a 46 year old user who I later found out did coke and new I hated the shit [saw a good friend die from it], and he dumped me after I got the flu and could not go fuck him for 2 weeks. But he later came back asking for pussy even after he had already threw my stuff out in the pooring rain. Yeah he got his windsheild caved in and of course a couple knots and bruies over his body, baseball is a good sport :). I have also dated a 28 year old alchohlic mommas boy and his momma said he was not an alkie. HAHAA when a man devours 36 beers in a night and does not die from it, he is an alkie. So yes, after 4 guys, I am done. Stick a thermomater up my ass and hear it go ding I am done. Now I just pop a porno in or get a magazine, and me and Mr D, have fun :)

MinxyQ said...

Hehehehe, I had an angry personal ad once. Figured it didn't matter what the hell I wrote because the majority of respondents never got past the photo. For reasons that could only be understood if you were in the possession of a Y-chromosome, they thought I would happily acquiesce to their requests - just because they bothered to take three seconds (not even that) to send me an email. What a lucky girl I was. My favourites were "saw your photo, let's fuck" and the entire Moroccan male population standard ... "saw your photo, marry me"

I figured it would be a pretty good screening mechanism, if a guy (a) actually read my ad and (b) had a bit of insight into the types of standard responses I was getting. He might then be worth a few keystrokes of correspondence and maybe then a bit more.

However, I also got the hate mail, clearly an expression of their disappointment, which, interestingly, usually came from the US military. Pretty funny I could prick a guy's ego, by indicating their otherwise standard and hopeful response to my ad would be in no ways welcome or successful. LOL apart from calling me all the names under the sun, they would then go on to tell me what I would be missing. I took to including the hate mail in my ad complete with author's name and posting a response (something like…”congratulations, you are one of the few that actually bothered to read the ad, but clearly you are not what I am looking for”).

By the way, I did get a few who got it....when I say few, yes I mean I could count them on one hand and guess what?!, they were worth knowing....intelligent, know, demonstrated a certain advanced level of evolution.

The majority? - still didn't bother to read the ad.

Walk On said...

Hmm...suddenly I feel much better about my romantic wins and losses.

jlb6736 said...

chevy girl-I seem to have the momma's boys pattern as well. The first of which I married & am now trying to divorce-he is in prison for murder & after 5 years of him being gone, my life is finally returning to normal. Number two I am still dating & live with-he is a spoilt shit, but a decent guy-at least & that's why I keep him. When I married I thought that being in love was the most wonderful thing ever-STUPID, NAIVE, & did I say STUPID!!!!?
Mr. Dumbass & a dumbass drinking buddy killed & robbed a homeless man for sixty dollars to get more f**kin booze & can't imagine now what possesses me to want a freakin divorce. I was an undergrad working towards vet school at the time too & the sudden drop in GPA lead to me not being a good candidate for vet school since it is really tough to get accepted-especially at Texas A&M, but I had great references from my professors & a decent enough GPA to get into a graduate program here which turned out better for me because grad students get paid a salary & it lessens the amount of loans I have to take out to pay for school. AND YES-he still can not understand why I am filing for divorce!!!
The man I am with now may annoy the shit out of me at times, yes I have the thought of stabbing him or hitting him with a cast iron skillet & I haven't had the OMG-love is so grand feeling with him,BUT he is respectful, honest, and good to our animals & other humans-even though he prefers the company of the animals over humans-hey, maybe that's why I like him so much. Anyhow-not all momma's boys are bad news-or perhaps I have found a man much more rare than I imagined!

Anonymous said...

Sweet Jesus...some of these responses are just as scary as the original post.

wheelin126 said...

Chevygirl - Mr.D now would his first name be BOB?? (battery operated boyfriend). A buddy of mine called me and told me he had heard about the new guy I was seeing..since I wasn't seeing anyone I asked him who the hell he was talking about. He told me he had heard about my new boyfriend BOB and then explained who/what BOB was...of course he got a great big F.U. as a response :) I just get no respect! lol

Anonymous said...

Apart from the fact that the ad is funny and your commentary is even funnier, the best thing about this post is that the photo shows a Qantas flight attendant (yes, that is the Qantas uniform). I know Australian women have a reputation for being forthright (to put it mildly), so it is strangely appropriate.

Alison, from Australia

Anonymous said...

....that pic.... is that that aussie air hostess who slept with ralph fiennes? You can pick a shitty Qantas uniform anywhere...
I'm surprised Alison didn't pick it.

nyxalinth said...


I had an ad like that once. Igot tired of getting messaged by married cheating bastards, guys 20 years older than me, and men who were only interested in seeing what it was like with a fat chick and figured I was so desperate I'd put out for them.

so I wrote an ad saying I wasn't interested in married men, I wanted someone close to my own age, and someone who was genuinely interested in plus size women. I got a lot of nasty slams, but also made friends with a few men with whom there was no spark but they were intelligent decent guys.