Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hell On Wheels

My grandma used to tell me that every time I masturbated, somebody on the other side of the world killed a kitten.

And believe me, it was really hard to masturbate when all I could picture in my mind was a mountain of dead kittens piling up somewhere in Nepal with my name plastered all over it.

She also used to tell me that every time I masturbated, God would take one minute off my life. Since I died today in my early 30's, she was absolutely correct. Damn you all to hell, Sears catalog.

So sure enough I was sent directly to the Gates of Hell, where not surprisingly, I found these guys.

Anyway, I was given three options:

1. Spend eternity in the "Snake Room", where I would find myslef forever stewing in a boiling hot cauldron of angry asps endlessly stabbing my anus with razor-sharp fangs and injecting my thorax with searing acids that melted my innards into molten steel, all the while being forced to watch Jay Leno perform an endless comedy monologue. Or:

2. Spend eternity in the "Room of The Condor", where I would find myself forever at the mercy of starved vultures, who would tear out my intestines in a feverish battle to satiate their never-ending thirst for flesh and warm blood. Meanwhile, diseased rats would slowly gnaw at my flesh, and According to Jim would play 24 hours a day on a 60 inch plasma TV. Or:

3. I could have my life back, along with $250 million in the bank and a harem of Penthouse Pets as wives. But first I had to spend three continuous minutes in a car with five guys from Secaucus, New Jersey. (Ed note: Youtube is apparently down so video may not appear. Believe me, it's fucking annoying.)



I chose The Snake Room.

And I'm very comfortable with that decision.

22 comments:

Lynda said...

Im sure their parents are very proud of them! LOL Hey I think the driver might have a cavity. I couldnt help notice it as he as screaming.

I wonder if they were going to score some more steroids...

*Amber* said...

lynda, I thought the same thing about the 'roids!

could anyone provide a translation for that? I think they said something about "baby blue", but that's about all I caught.

dressage_nut said...

I thought those Jersey boy stereotypes only existed in the movies.

CutNJump said...

Door number...

...

...

...

two.

Definately two.

When I get a chance to watch the video (boss steps out for an errand) I may change my mind.

But for now- door number two.

Maybe they thought they were in Hoboken?

Sistah said...

Weasel,

You chose poorly. Had you chosen the 3 minute car ride with these NJ buffoons then you would have been subjected to what every female is subjected to when she goes to a nightclub and the Butabi brothers show up. Sure, it's violating and disturbing but it's 3 minutes. What's 3 minutes in the big scheme of things?

And for those of you wondering who the Butabi brothers are... think Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan and SNL.

Weasel said...

I could not take 3 minutes with these guys. I would fucking kill myself again and end up right back where I started- with the Butabis.

Sistah said...

Weasel,

You would not be able to kill yourself. You'd be too busy trying to keep yourself from getting crushed by all that NJ dude bravado.

CutNJump said...

Watched the video- still taking door number two.

Just glad they didn't stand up through the sun roof with a 'full monty' view for the camera.

Not enough booze to be in the car with that for any length of time, unless I was puking on them.

Shannon said...

the best part at the end?

"i can't wait to watch this on fuckin youtube!"

dood. fuckin, youtube dood.

Nosnikta said...

(giggle)...

"How youuuuuu doin'?" "I have tickets to the gun show."

CutNJump said...

Funny the pic in the OP looks like he has foil birthday party type hats covering his eyes.

I wish he did.

Only he has them on backwards.

The points should be going IN, in this case...

EventGirl said...

Im thinking Bro rape....
If you dont know what that is then watch...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8

Walk On said...

Umm...sad thing is, I really don't
have the impression that is a "hot" car.

Too many in there for a sports car, too cramped to be a Humvee or such, I think it's your standard "this is what I can afford, not what I want" mini-sedan.

Can anyone ID it?

Weasel said...

Its a Hyundai Elantra.

I rented one once. Piece of crap.

Walk On said...

lol, thank you.

I rest my case. They can't even afford a manly car. Like, that kind of posturing is almost acceptable if you're rolling in a '56 Vette or a '68 Stang, ya know? But not in a Hyundai. That's just...sad.

If ever anyone NEEDED truck balls...

Jailbird said...

Holy shit.

Those are what we call 'bennies.'

I'll bet you anything they're heading down here by the shore for a weekend or so, right?

Not all NJ guys are like this. Only those guys from that Jersey City/Bayonne/Elizabeth/Newark/etc area up there are.

Still. Ugh.

Pilar said...

5 very good reasons not to use steroids.

anniebanannie said...

Wow. Glad I'm not on the market...

Snoopsincharge said...

Wow, please, shut them up.
Cutnjump, I am with you, Door #2, definately!

Lynda said...

I thought it was door number 5 in mystery date that you had becareful with!

Gryph2 said...

... Not all of them are from Secaucus, I believe. Some are from across the river, if my memory does not fail me.

If it's them, I shall have to slap them upside the head for a friend of mine. -.-

Gryph2 said...

... Not all of them are from Secaucus, I believe. Some are from across the river, if my memory does not fail me.

If it's them, I shall have to slap them upside the head for a friend of mine. -.-