Sunday, July 20, 2008

It's Monday. Dammit.

Wow, we here at WWHM Headquarters in beautiful downtown Dubuque, Iowa certainly had a wonderful weekend!

First, my employees and I attended an erotic gifting party with the cast of The Facts of Life, followed by some low-intensity goatherding. Finally, we ended the night in an abandoned heroin den, where we all shot up $5,000 worth of China White with the same needle to symbolize our dedication to a team effort. Boy it was great, and you'd be amazed at some of the things my employees will do for more heroin! What a bunch of man whores!

Anyway, we did this as an experiment in "expanding our horizons". You see, WWHM is thinking of doing exactly that, expanding our horizons. Rather than focus solely on horrifying personal ads, we're gonna mix it up a little this week with some of the other god-awful shit my gender does to ensure that the only time they get within six inches of a pair of ovaries is when they're waiting in line at the bank.

Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it. I spend most my days kicking peacocks at the zoo and knocking ice cream out of children's hands. In fact, the last time I had any sexual contact with a female, it involved petroleum jelly and stern instructions to cough.

But there is some stupid, stupid shit out there that guys do, so don't be surprised if you see some of it popping up on WWHM.

Hey, since it's Monday, I'm busy doing the Dubuque Morning Daily crossword puzzle, and I need some help:

What's a five letter word for "Holds a fence up"?

Oh yeah.......posts.


Charisma_Forecast said...

Wooo! First post! Sounds like an interesting weekend, eheh. You have a wonderful writing style and sense of humor, I quite enjoy reading it. Because of the aforementioned, you have been put on my "Sites To Visit Daily" list. Keep it up and I'm looking forward to seeing what other random lady-repellent you find!

nip/tuck said...

In fact, the last time I had any sexual contact with a female, it involved petroleum jelly and stern instructions to cough.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

All joking aside, I'm sure you have many readers who would love to get their hands on you! They might just be waiting for that personal ad you wrote. Do the right thing...

Sistah said...


You refer to The Facts of Life a lot. I have come to the conclusion that you have an attraction to one or all of those girls. So, spill it? Who's onscreen when you start touching yourself? Blair, Natalie, Tootie or Jo? My vote is for Natalie/Mindy Cohn.

evilbitch said...

OK, bring it, baby! :D
I look forward to the most effective approaches to womankind in your blog!
By the way, I don't do mondays, they suck donkey balls.
I do two tuesdays a week instead.

Hope I could help. ;)

CutNJump said...

I can't wait to see what else you come up with...

My all time fave was standing in line behind a couple of guys in the auto parts store. I have been known to fix my own truck, but I know when I am 'in over my head' and call my brother the auto-guru. My brother happened to be standing in line with me.

The one guy covered in grease has no idea if his car has a single or dual cam... The guy behind the counter is asking him different questions in an attempt to get him the right parts and out of the store so he doesn't have to deal with him.

His idiot friend hasn't a clue either. He proceeds to reach down and 'rearrange the furniture' followed by a substantial and loud belch.

I couldn't help myself. I blurted out-

Wow! THAT'S attractive! Got everything arranged to your liking?

My brother and the guy behind the counter looked at me all wide eyed and stunned... We all bust up laughing.

Except of course the guy with no brains and his friend with no manners.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Oh come on. Blair was the only hot one, and sadly enough, grew up and turned into a homeschooling Christian wack job.

Weasel said...

My personal ad will be posted tomorrow. I lost a bet, now it's going up.

CutNJump said...

Fugly, I noticed she (Lisa Welchel) referred to her Heavenly Father, which is commonly used in the cultist, Mormon religion.

Before everyone starts bashing me about that statement- I was raised that way, know all too well of the teachings and I have long since changed my ways.

I can hardly wait to read your personal ad Weasel. I will stock up on beverages and pop some corn...

CutNJump said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CutNJump said...

Oh and Weasel, you were reposting some of the more recent posts. How about giving some of the older ones a second go 'round? Maybe this time they will pick up some (more) comments?

Especially the one about the lawn chair and God's gift to Women was good too...

Weasel said...

I have some different stuff coming up, if you guys want me to mix older stuff in with it I will.