Selfish. And Far From Creative.

I know what I want -

I'm a selfish prick. I'm a hot, rich, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often, and old enough to do it right. I don't have time for emotional hysterics or petty drama. I do what I want, when I want. Respond with a pic.

Ah, yes waiter. I'm ready to order.

I'd like start to start by ordering two gerbil-sized testicles, and a miniature frankfurter. And please, can you dump a gallon of false male bravado over the top of those to obscure their size? Thanks. Oh, yes, and to drink, I'll have a huge glass of Insecura Tea.

False advertising. The bread and butter of men's personal ads. Only the bread is moldy and pecked by oily crows, and the butter expired last month.

What's promised?

A sexual dynamo promising to pound hail dents into your fallopian tubes until your health insurance triples.

A young, skilled bedroom artisan capable of spurring even the most conservative Baptist nun to scream "Fuck my ass Ponyboy!" during a pudding break at the senior center.

A man single-handedly capable of mustering up the sexual euphoria only thought possible during a five-way involving you, a young Brad Pitt glistening with lip moistener, and David Beckham wielding two shiny vibrating Rabbits, 24 fresh D batteries, and a really bad attitude.

What do you actually get?

An insecure pantywaist who shoots his swimmers faster than the coach of the Iraqi Olympic butterfly relay team after a loss.

A sexual tourist that has to stop and ask directions from you every two minutes, and still manages to run out of gas before you reach your destination.

A naive, bumbling carnival employee who couldn't find a way to put his dick through the St.Louis Arch without repeatedly stabbing the legs, and even if he does, to you it feels like someone just threw a hotdog down the hallway at the Bellagio.

How do I know this is a bait-n-switch?

Because this is a fucking form letter. He didn't write it, it was mass-produced. Just like the form letter the city sends me every time I plead guilty to indecent exposure. Please tell me I didn't just say that out loud.

Yes, it's a form letter, or a form personal if you will. I've sourced it here. Used by the "pick-up artist" community for years, it's now making the rounds on internet bulletin boards. The PUA community deems this ad as "the most effective personal ad available for men."

Because lord knows if they said something completely original- like the truth for example- they probably couldn't get their fucking dicks moist in a zero-visibility Nova Scotian fog bank.

Why do I reveal this secret?

Because I'm a selfish prick. A hot, rich, pampered intellectual.........