Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Barf Or Smile?

Tired of all the games
I am 5’7’’ athletic build, green eyes, brown hair and smile that you can't stop thinking about. I’d like a girl who calls me handsome instead of the hot one, who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch me sleep... the girl who kisses my forehead, who holds my hand in front of her friends. The one who turns to her friends and says, 'that's him."

Did I eat some old walrus meat today? Because suddenly I feel a bit nauseous.

I wonder if it's something I read?

Like maybe a heave-hearty, sappy personal ad?

An ad that simultaneously made me want to reach for an empty clam bucket, yet also run through a field of wheat with a bonnet on my head and a trio of giggling puppies nipping at my heels?

An ad that almost made me regurgitate food like a coastal seabird, yet also made me want to put on a little dress and dance on a teeter-totter with a rhododendron behind my ear?

Yup, I think it was this ad, but why the mixed feelings?

Because this man lives in a delusional world. Sure buddy, it's all hand-holding, cheeky kisses and sharing cupcakes for a few months. Enjoy it while you can.

Because pretty soon she'll be watching you sleep, but you'll be in the yard sleeping under a boat tarp in heavy sleet because she kicked you out for getting drunk.

You'll be holding her hand to prevent her from clocking you in the face with a harpsichord because you forgot to feed the dog.

And in 7 years, after you take out a $2 million dollar insurance policy on yourself, she'll be talking to a hitman and pointing at you, saying "That's him."

After he shoots you in the liver, she'll put her head on your chest and listen for your heartbeat.

Just like you asked for.

Cheers!

56 comments:

Perry H. said...

My favorite so far! A Classic!

Weasel said...

Damn you got on here quick!

Perry H. said...

I had to go delete all my SIngles ads first...lol

BELEN said...

this is a disturbing cry for help. I detect some oedipal overtones too. This goes way beyond mere beta male - this is G.A.Y.

Mack Truck said...

Oooh, I'm famous! Kinda.

Thanks for featuring the ad I found, Weasel.

As a woman, I too thought it was GAY. My gaydar went into high alert mode when I read it.

He had a picture of an orchid on his ad, for cryin' out loud! How subliminal, suggesting, and Georgia O'Keefe. Barf.

Mack Truck said...

Sorry, should have been "suggestive", not suggesting.

Although I'd like to suggest that if any woman ever makes the mistake of marrying him, she'll likely find him at the nearest state park, in the men's bathroom with George Michael.

jumper said...

It's not a personal add - it's a hallmark card - one of the huge 6$ jobs at that.

Look guys, if you're going to include a picture, for the love of god make it a picture of yourself!! I know not everyone feels comfortable posting pictures of themselves on line (and alas, far too many of the wrong kind do!) then DON'T!

Over suggestions of intimacy are NEARLY as creepy as penis pictures! They scream *Stalker boy!*

jumper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christy said...

OMFG!!! I've laughed so hard I couldn't talk before but never laughed so hard I couldn't type. You outdid yourself on this one. Bravo!

I will never look at rhododendrons the same way again.

Walk On said...

"trio of giggling puppies"? LMAO!

Seriously, my gaydar went off somewhere around the "smile you can't stop thinking about". Either that, or he's a hard ass player who thinks he'll get more action by sounding like a 13 yr old girl's idea of a romantic boyfriend.

I'm really surprised he didn't manage to work in a reference to unicorns and knights in shining armor...oh wait...that was the LARP guy...

Spotted_T_Apps said...

Walrus Meat!

Ahahahahahahaha

thanks. My boss thanks you for the work I don't do.

*Amber* aka Suzy SINsation said...

{And in 7 years, after you take out a $2 million dollar insurance policy on yourself, she'll be talking to a hitman and pointing at you, saying "That's him."}

HAHAHAHA, that's awesome.

I think he actually took some of that crapola from a bulletin teenage girls post on myspace.

Anonymous said...

To be honest, I HAVE watched a boyfriend sleep before.

But to continue the honesty, I feel I should add that I was watching his jugular vein pulsing...and imagining how wonderful it would feel to stab that exact spot with the manicure scissors on my bedside table.

I don't think this guy really knows what he's asking for.

Luckily, I spent some time in pensive thought about how long that wonderful feeling would last, and countered it with the feeling of 10-15 in the poke.

John Bobbitt wasnt so lucky. His woman didn't think any further than the wonderful.

~Jilly

Cut-N-Jump said...

Everything about this just screams "PLAYER!" To me anyways.

Tell her what she wants to hear.

Bang her once or twice.

Then depending on her abilities in the sack and mental stability, either keep her number for future use or drop her like a hot potato

colorisnteverything said...

cutnjump,

I agree. Sounds like something cheesy a guy says to hit on you.

Gah. Try to hard and we ignore you. Don't try at all, we ignore. It really is confusing for guys, but it is very simple for us to understand.

Nosnikta said...

I think I know this guy :-|

Kate said...

That is awesome. Was the lame flower really the picture shown? Or did you gay it up on your own.

Brookeh said...

Well if this isn't a classic case of 'Tell them what they want to hear' than I don't know what is.

He needs to put DOWN the myspace quizzes, and sentimental facebook bumper stickers, and get the fuck off the internet.

Kthxbai.

Unknown said...

Barf, definitely barf.

Gay, my dupa. I have a few gay f(r)iends and they could do MUCH better. This is some prevo blathering what he thinks women want to hear and he's so dyed-in-the-wool mirror-shattering FUGLY he'd rather put up some plant life on his pic. (BTW, folks, as a wanna-be garden weenie, I'm guessing it's an iris...whatever, he could put up a pile of Love Canal sludge and it'd probably look better).

Anonymous said...

ahahahahah! i think what that guy really wants is a MOMMY.

Canoncowgirl said...

I think the visual of you running though a wheat field with a bonnet and puppies is the best part lol! My visual includes shirt/tie in your avatar and also the rubber chicken. *runs in slow motion* Its like one of those ads for herpes medicines, but weirder.

I tried not to think about the little dress ;P

MinxyQ said...

lol...hey!...you didn't swirl the flower!

I think this guy may have read a few too many romance novels in the hopes of finding the right material for his preferred demographic (ie definitely a pulse, hopefully female). Definitely a potential stalker imo.

MinxyQ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MinxyQ said...

oh..Mack Truck...the flower is an iris, an orchid has 5 petals....

*slinks away*

Anonymous said...

We call them bearded Iris here in Australia.
I agree with MinxyQ you could of swirled the poor flower, who is going to want it now after being associated with this lame stud.LOL.

Lee Cujes said...

Hehe....harpsichord.

Anonymous said...

I think this guy is a girl...

The Half-Assed Blog said...

"clocking you over the head with a harpsichord" <--- classic, right THAR.

I mean, a harpsichord. Not a trombone. Not a bodhran. Not a clarinet. A harpsichord!

Freaking genius. I love this blog.

Jesse Dylan Watson said...

That was a good one. I tip my hat. You are clever, and I did, in fact, laugh. This was my introduction to the site, and I'm extremely pleased. Yay for something funny to read over tea in the morning.

Walk On said...

Props to Half-assed blog for using the word "bodhram". NOT one I expect to see pop up in most net conversations.

I have like 5 of 'em...played for years. :)

I think I like you! ;)

Weasel said...

Half-assed I don't even know what a bodhran is- but I'm gonna find out now.

Thanks all you guys!

Just got home, so no posts tomorrow, but should have some up Friday!

Anonymous said...

Yeah minx, I know it's an iris. Don't know why I called it an orchid. D'oh!

Too lazy to log in today, so I'm using anonymous.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Weasel- A bodhran is a traditional Irish drum. It looks much like a tamborine only without the little metal noise makers on the sides, and is generally much larger in size giving it a deeper sound.

Pictures-

Here

Here

Or

Here

Some are plain while others are ornately decorated....

Cut-N-Jump said...

Jesse-

Be careful drinking tea or any other beverage, while reading the WWHM blog. It has been known to cause spewage, snorking and otherwise liquids exiting your mouth via the nose, often spraying the monitor or keyboard.

Eating is ill advised for the same reason.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Walk_On:
I play tinwhistle so I am sort of familiar with bodhrans, against the day I'd find other local people (local means Rocky Mountain region) interested in starting a band for traditional Irish music.

which means I'd have to practice my whistle more. I'm still awaiting the knock on my door from the neighbors, telling me to stop attempting to master "Toss the Feathers" or "I'll tell Me Ma".

Anonymous said...

Okay, if I hadn't experienced more than enough pathetic male attempts at textual romanticism, I'd swear this was written by a fifteen-year-old girl.

As much as the gay speculations amuse me, I have to disagree. Most of my gay friends would stab themselves in the gonads before they'd write this.

News flash, dude: the Hallmark approach will get you desperate 45-year-old housewives or stalkers. Or a fun combination of the two.

Anonymous said...

Ok honey, I have a name for that girl!

She's called 'mum'.

WinterMusic said...

Oh. My. God.
I love this! Although I have to say...

'You'll be holding her hand to prevent her from clocking you in the face with a harpsichord because you forgot to feed the dog.

And in 7 years, after you take out a $2 million dollar insurance policy on yourself, she'll be talking to a hitman and pointing at you, saying "That's him."'

If he forgot to feed the dog, forget about waiting 7 years to hire a hitman-he'd be under a tarp in the backyard, alright, but he wouldn't be sleeping...

Itsnotmytree said...

Oh, I think it's cute! He's sappy and romantic :)

Astley said...

well, at least he's trying the "think like a woman" approach right? jeez. you gals are never satisfied. tch.

but in all seriousness...the question when it comes down to it is: manchild or player?

obviously he's full of something. but is it baby batter -or- a void left by "mum" rejecting his marriage proposal when he was a tike?

*shrug*

either way this ad was pretty sad.

Anonymous said...

So I'm guessing most of the people screaming "gay!" at this are (a) straight, and (b) hopelessly unfamiliar with actual gay personal ads, which can be funny in themselves, but for very different reasons.

Most gay male personal ads I've ever seen (and I've seen a fair number, since I used to work at an LGBT community newspaper) are the polar opposite of this one - porny and uber-macho, with penis size figuring prominently. Gay men would run screaming from this ad faster and louder than straight women.

Now, lesbian personal ads on the other hand... Those can get pretty soppy. I actually wrote an article about that around 15 years ago or so. But I wouldn't want to dignify this guy by calling him a lesbian.

The most aggravating thing about the ad, to me, is how self-centred it is. All about everything he wants this girl to do for him, and zilch about what, if anything, he plans to do for her. He doesn't want a partner, he wants the starring role in I Dream of Jeannie, with some magically perfect fembot kneeling at his feet saying "Your wish is my command, master!"

John said...

I am amazed at some expressions women use here to refer to some men: "beta-male", "loser"... Words like these clearly betray of a certain vision of life and society.

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