Did I eat some old walrus meat today? Because suddenly I feel a bit nauseous.
I wonder if it's something I read?
Like maybe a heave-hearty, sappy personal ad?
An ad that simultaneously made me want to reach for an empty clam bucket, yet also run through a field of wheat with a bonnet on my head and a trio of giggling puppies nipping at my heels?
An ad that almost made me regurgitate food like a coastal seabird, yet also made me want to put on a little dress and dance on a teeter-totter with a rhododendron behind my ear?
Yup, I think it was this ad, but why the mixed feelings?
Because this man lives in a delusional world. Sure buddy, it's all hand-holding, cheeky kisses and sharing cupcakes for a few months. Enjoy it while you can.
Because pretty soon she'll be watching you sleep, but you'll be in the yard sleeping under a boat tarp in heavy sleet because she kicked you out for getting drunk.
You'll be holding her hand to prevent her from clocking you in the face with a harpsichord because you forgot to feed the dog.
And in 7 years, after you take out a $2 million dollar insurance policy on yourself, she'll be talking to a hitman and pointing at you, saying "That's him."
Just like you asked for.